Many twin patients I have seen over the years speak about the shame they have felt about having or keeping secrets from their twin. Compared to nontwins, same-age siblings are particularly sensitive to this dynamic. Imagine growing up in a dyadic relationship where there is little room to be separate, alone, or differentiated from one’s brother or sister. In this emotional world, everything is shared, including language, friends, possessions, and parents. Within this environment, where twins can claim very little […]

Sadly, yet understandably, when one twin forms a partnership with someone outside the twinship, the other twin feels left out and abandoned. Often the blame for such a scenario falls either on the twin or on the twin’s intimate other. Regardless of who shoulders the responsibility, all the parties involved suffer feelings of guilt, resentment, and possibly astonishment. I have been working with a 50-year-old male fraternal twin, Steve, whose emotional relationship with his twin sister, Sherry, has steadily declined […]

I cannot count the number of times I have heard twins say, “I do not deserve to be happy if my twin is upset.” This belief is one of the more challenging emotional dilemmas to work through when treating twins. Twins who think and feel this way frequently recognize how unhealthy and limiting it is. Nevertheless, this viewpoint has been top of mind for most of their lives. Enmeshed twins suffer more with this mindset. Coparenting each other for most […]

At different developmental junctures, some twins decide that it is time to make independent decisions that will undoubtedly alter their twin relationship. This might involve a move away that will impose physical restrictions on the twins’ being able to see each other frequently. Or it might entail a wish to move in with a romantic partner, leaving the other twin alone. Sometimes, these decisive moves are implemented without any awareness that the “abandoned” twin will react poorly. In other situations, […]

Countless twins who find themselves in the role of the caretaker twin grow up believing that their job is to fix what seems harmful or potentially dangerous to the cared-for twin. Often, this position is not articulated or even conscious. It seems to come to light when the twin dynamic runs into an expectable snag or two. Unknowingly and tragically, this unhealthy paradigm may be repeated in other attachments. One young man habitually found himself in relationships with women he […]