While twin intimacy is flaunted as incomparable, it has a potential downside that exposes a painful reality. Countless twins have confided in me that they feel extraordinarily guilty about having to keep secrets from their twin. How do they safeguard their privacy and vulnerability from the prying, curious eyes of their twin, who feels entitled to full disclosure?

Young twins relish keeping secrets from those around them. They may trick their peers, confuse their parents, and confound their teachers. Certainly, such antics involve an element of surprise and a feeling of power. However, as twins mature, they long for discretion and confidentiality, especially as adolescence approaches.

Unfortunately, many twins end up manipulating and hurting each other when they discover they can no longer trust their “best friend and confidant.” For example, if one twin has a high school crush, she does not want her twin to mock her, out her, or taunt her. However, her twin may behave irresponsibly because she feels jealous, abandoned, or defeated. In some cases, she may carry this situation further by becoming an informant to the parents about her twin’s romantic life.

While such incidents may seem juvenile and unimportant, many adult twins have told me why these acts of betrayal set the scene for larger future ruptures, forever altering the course of the twinship. Seeds of betrayal and distrust run deep. Secrets and shame are highly correlated. It is heartbreaking that twin relationships are saddled with this burden. If twins cannot resolve their feelings as individuals, they have a difficult time shaping a new reality because the twin attachment model is habitually ill-equipped and ill-prepared for change and inclusion.

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