Many identical twin pairs have shared with me how they have tolerated being stared at, gawked at, peppered with inane comments, and put on display in a performative manner. Some twins get accustomed to this treatment; it does not bother them as they chalk it up to nontwins’ fascination with identicality. Others, however, have felt emotionally scarred by their lifelong experience of being seen but not known.

A female identical twin in her early fifties, “Sable,” described how her sister was doted upon and favored. Consequently, she grew up feeling that she was habitually in her sister’s shadow. Her controlling sister treated her in an emotionally abusive manner, making sure that Sable felt inferior in terms of looks, intellectual capabilities, and professional expectations. Sable internalized these messages about herself, experiencing tremendous self-loathing and depression. Although she managed to have a family and parented as well as she could, her sense of emotional desolation left her habitually detached from herself and life.

Only after her sister passed away was she able to acknowledge the dissociative feelings she had about her upbringing regarding both her mother and her sister. At first, it was difficult for her to cast blame or responsibility on either one of them because her religious beliefs frowned upon the acknowledgment of such sentiments, making her feel ashamed. However, working with a twin therapist helped her understand herself and solidified much of what we attempted to bring to her awareness and understanding.

She has struggled with and overcome many emotional obstacles in our sessions together. However, what stands out most prominently for both of us is her discovery of her voice. Instead of wasting away alone, as the remaining half of a pair, she has blossomed into a spontaneous, authentic, and confident woman who feels giddy about this new identity. It has affected her wardrobe choices, transformed her relationships with her adult children, intensified her religious orientation, sharpened her belief in her academic and intellectual pursuits, and enlivened her social connections.

We were laughing together the other day about how she still has some work to do in being able to accept compliments! She is shocked when someone recognizes her, says that they’ve missed seeing her, and comments upon how beautifully she grasps complicated religious texts. She has lived an emotional life of such scarcity and deprivation that she can only tentatively process the notion that others might admire her and enjoy her company. She lived a lifetime without the mirroring and validation that she deserved. Helping Sable find her voice, herself, and her goodness has been a gratifying journey for both of us.

Photo by Alberto Lung on Unsplash