An identical twin man in his forties, “Allan,” struggles with accepting the reality that his twin wants very little to do with him. This young man has devoted so much of his emotional life caring for his brother that he cannot comprehend that his brother does not feel loving toward him.

This sort of breakup seems inconceivable to Allan, who agonizes when reflecting upon how horribly his twin treats him. He makes excuses and invents rationale to justify his brother’s superficial and inauthentic investment in him. Allan continues to yearn for his twin’s approval and admiration; however, he is met with his twin’s critical and cold behavior. It appears that his brother sees him as a “loser” and a “victim” and blames him for contributing to family conflicts that his twin feels burdened to shoulder.

In reality, both men have reasons for their subjectivities, whether or not they adamantly disagree. I feel tremendous compassion for my patient as he continues to struggle with accepting the reality of his brother’s ongoing resentment and disengagement. He is processing his feelings in hopes of acknowledging and accepting his grief and loss. The tricky piece of estrangement is not expending enormous energy trying to fix what has happened. Rather, the focus needs to be on healing from the grief and moving on.

The other day Allan said, “I have had an epiphany of sorts. I realize that I am lovable and worthy even if my twin does not love me.” It was a brutally honest reflection about not allowing his brother’s rejection and emotional abandonment to color or destroy his sense of well-being.

For twins who have been driven and molded by expectations to care for their twin, the cessation of this function can feel brutal. The caretaking twin must switch his focus to self-love, which is a difficult transition after living as his twin’s need-satisfier for so long.

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