While parents of twins know that same-age siblings fight continually, they may not realize that frequently the dyadic conflict morphs into bullying, sometimes outside of parental awareness. These circumstances are more likely to occur when the family system cannot manage conflict, appreciate differences, or enforce appropriate boundaries consistently. The twins themselves are left in charge of settling matters between themselves. To keep some semblance of peace between the two of them, one twin may have to “take one for the […]

Working with twins who are attempting to manage feeling enmeshed with or estranged from their same-age sibling is a heart-wrenching challenge. Considering the cultural mythos that defines twins as soul mates and best friends, it can be daunting to accept that being either too close or too separate can give rise to an untenable situation. Nonetheless, since many twin pairs are raised without any conscious attention given to developing their sense of uniqueness, it is reasonable to assume that relationship […]

A twin caretaker’s “desertion” of his same-age sibling seems like an unparalleled and unprecedented betrayal. If one twin has relied on the other to supply unconditional love and support, how can he adjust to being dropped and replaced, especially if a romantic partner is now occupying that space? Of course, emotional reactions supersede intellectual reasoning. The cared-for twin might say, “I understand you want a romantic attachment in your life, but what happens to me? You can’t just drop me […]

Both male and female twins experience grief and loss in regard to their twin when they begin to build other intimate attachments in adulthood. The twin relationship is a measuring stick for how attachments should feel. However, the twin attachment model can set up dangerous expectations for a connection between two separate people, one of whom is not a twin. Reactions to such a shift vary widely. Some twins handle it beautifully. Although they may be troubled by authentic, expectable […]

I have had consultations recently with three different men in their forties, each of whom has a dilemma concerning his relationship with his identical twin brother. One gentleman has been estranged from his twin for about 10 years and hopes to work on reconciliation and repair. The second longs to find a healthy way to separate from his brother now that he is in a meaningful long-term relationship. The third man wants to understand how his codependent relationship with his […]