I had the pleasure of meeting with identical twin sisters who are about to celebrate their 60th birthday. One sister, Lena, reached out to me to inquire about my availability and explained their situation:

We talk to each other multiple times a day even though we are living in different time zones. We are each other’s most special person and loving confidant. Yet both of us feel vulnerable around each other for a host of reasons. We’d like a session with you to talk these issues through and hopefully develop an understanding about our struggles.

While Lena’s sister, Anne, was initially apprehensive, by the time we scheduled our session, she was fully on board.

Both Anne and Lena demonstrated the utmost respect and reciprocity as each listened to the other’s thoughts. Lena shared that at times she is reluctant to let Anne in because she has felt abandoned by Anne at various points in their lives. Her experiences of being left and feeling unloved have been a sensitive emotional trigger for many years. Anne listened with sadness and empathy as Lena shared some details about these life events. In a loving way, Anne shared that often she feels judged and criticized by Lena. She thinks that Lena makes fun of her or puts her down in ways that are shaming. Lena acknowledged that she is often sarcastic and said that perhaps Anne experiences her sarcasm as hostility.

Both seemed to wrestle with the cultural preconception that twins must tell each other everything. Their reluctance to do so made both of them uncomfortable. They were honest and authentic about their hesitations to trust each other and said that the issues they brought up were related to wanting to establish greater trust, as their doubts seemed to be a barrier to their intimacy.

In some way, it appeared as if they were trying to work out the parameters of a friendship. Growing up in a twinship is habitually fraught with tensions related to comparison, competition, and identity, so many real issues of connection get buried. Twins learn to be very careful not to disrupt or disturb the twin connection to preserve their relationship. Conflict is naturally swept under the rug until it rears its ugly head in terms of abandonment and misattunement. Anne did not have the opportunity to develop the thick skin that different-age siblings have, where joking, teasing, and sarcasm are everyday sibling behaviors.

Spontaneity is easily buried or lost growing up with a twin, where it becomes vital to maintain a balanced and accommodating relationship. In addition, having few opportunities to grow into a separate and authentic self inhibits emotional and intimate safety. As my readers know, the “twin mystique” does not always ensure a fulfilling intimate adult attachment for many twins. If more twins were able to confront their emotional dilemmas as Lena and Anne have done, there would be more healthy adult twin attachments modeling mutually honest interactions.

Lena and Anne utilized their time together by agreeing to set boundaries. Recognizing and appreciating each other’s needs will create an exponentially greater safe space for vulnerability and love.

Photo by Natalia Blauth, Unsplash+