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Twins Want to Win, Not Compromise

Learning how to be tolerant and open to disparate points of view is not easy or simplistic. Many people deliberately avoid discussions about politics, sex, or religion because such conversations evoke passionate and steadfast feelings and beliefs. But learning how to manage disagreements and divergent perspectives is vital for all of us in our intimate relationships because most of us—even identical twins—will not always be in agreement about significant decisions, actions, or opinions. When adult twins do not have sufficient […]

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Can Envy Be Benign?

A recent article in the New Yorker magazine discussed and defined the meaning of benign envy. Often people can be confused about the essential difference between jealousy and envy. My definitions are as follows: jealousy is an expectable feeling in response to wanting what someone has or is—a higher-paying job, a better figure, a bigger house, an expensive car, etc.; envy is coveting what the other person has and feeling enormous resentment, rage, and ill will concerning that individual’s accomplishments, […]

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When One Twin Feels Victimized

Parents of twins face a challenging dilemma in attempting to establish equitability between twins who have strikingly different temperaments, needs, and personalities. At times, the twin who appears more laid-back, self-contained, and independent begins to resent his twin sibling who actively and aggressively demands considerable time and attention. Unhappy about the competitiveness with his twin, the “quieter” one devises methods to get recognition and validation. This child might experiment by exhibiting obstinate, stubborn, or controlling behavior. He may become a […]

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A Beautiful Story

A few weeks ago, a producer from Iowa Public Radio asked me to participate in a show about adult twins. She was doing a feature about the pair of identical-twin brothers who won the most-identical-looking-twins contest for adults over 18 years old at the Iowa State Fair. The producer, a fraternal twin herself, interviewed the 32-year-old brothers about their twin experiences. Both men are teachers and coaches at the same high school. They live close to one another and both […]

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Monkey Time: Alone Time at Its Best

I wanted to share one father’s enthusiastic endorsement of the benefits of alone time—time when one twin gets one-on-one parental attention. He shared his story with a group of parents I spoke to in San Francisco, prefacing his remarks by apologizing that he did not learn about one-on-one time from my book Emotionally Healthy Twins! He and his wife and their fraternal twin daughters coined the term “monkey time” to initiate time alone when the girls were toddlers. The father […]

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