A mom of nine-year-old identical twin girls asked me to help her understand a specific dynamic that is playing out between her daughters. On the surface, the circumstances make very little sense to her. Both girls take piano lessons—Annie loves the piano and practices without being asked, but her sister, Amy, rarely practices and asks her parents about playing the trumpet. Their mom understands their differences and does not make a big deal about their divergent likes and dislikes. What […]
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Mind the Emotional Gap
A high school senior contacted me a few weeks ago to ask my opinion on separating twins in primary school. She is a fraternal twin, and she and her sister live in the Northeastern United States. I will call her Nancy to protect her identity. At the beginning of our conversation, she asked me very broad, open-ended questions about separating twins. I clarified that it was unrealistic to address her concerns in such a generalized manner, as I certainly could […]
Fighting to the Bitter End
A mother recently called me to ask if I could help her adult identical twin daughters learn how to communicate with one another. Both women, who are in their thirties and have lived together in their family home since nineteen years of age, have endured a myriad of destructive, quixotic relationships that ended in turmoil and despair. In most cases, the sisters blame one another for the relationship’s demise. Each accuses the other of driving their respective boyfriends away by […]
Twins: Seeking Like-Minded Souls
As I describe in my book The Same but Different, twins feel relieved when they can talk about their problems with a fellow twin. Twins have a unique emotional trajectory that does not parallel the experience of different-age siblings. Most siblings are able to express how they feel about their brother or sister. They feel comfortable arguing for status and position without incurring much guilt or opposition. Twins, on the other hand, frequently do not experience this emotional freedom. While […]
Why It’s So Difficult to Just Say No
A few weeks ago, I and a number of other consultants were asked to help a couple with three-year-old fraternal twin boys determine why the boys have not learned how to fall asleep on their own. Both the mom and the dad felt exhausted, frustrated, and defeated. Their innumerable unsuccessful attempts to put the boys to bed in their own room and to have them sleep through the night left the parents feeling helpless and overwhelmed. Both the mom and […]