Negotiating independence is an ongoing developmental struggle that requires continual tweaks and adjustments. Toddlers clumsily initiate this experimentation through trial and error. While toddlerhood is challenging for both parents and their children, this stage presents a pivotal opportunity to learn how to manage ongoing challenges throughout life. Toddlers who flirt or fight with separation learn that they can return to a parental safe space to explore and grow.

Unfortunately, some twin pairs do not experience this toddler-stage investigation because they are consistently and predictably regulated by their twin and his or her behavior. They may look to their twin to copy or compare behaviors or experiment with a new activity to see how their twin reacts. Of course, they fight as they vie for attention, love, and space. Their primary dependence upon each other may diminish as they mature; however, the significant variable is that each twin has relied upon the other to self-regulate. When one of them opts out of this dynamic, the other can become lost, afraid, or anxious.

I have worked with adult twins who have experienced the abandonment of their “regulator” at different developmental stages. Not having much parental input or awareness, they feel adrift, angry, and alone. One middle-aged identical twin expressed utter desolation when her sister “dumped” her in middle school. This traumatic event was a primary organizing principle of her life when she entered therapy. She could not forgive or get over the fact that the person she had relied upon for everything suddenly wanted nothing to do with her. She internalized the behavior as ongoing confirmation of her sister’s disloyalty and resentment. These actions perpetuated the woman’s deep-seated self-hatred and envy.

An identical twin in her late twenties, “Kathy,” described an overreliance on her twin sister from as far back as she can remember. This pattern of behavior continues to the present day. The twins rely on each other to regulate their disordered eating behavior. Kathy laments that she must relinquish her eating choices when her sister comes to visit because she must eat exactly as her sister dictates. Although her sister eats food that Kathy does not like, she feels compelled to accommodate to the dyadic requirement of identicality. At the same time, she feels tremendous self-loathing and frustration about not being able to make independent decisions about what and when to eat. She explains that as much as she would like to, she does not express her dislike of a food because if she does not eat something her sister chooses, she worries that her sister will not eat either.

Kathy relates that she hates her sister for doing this to her, that she is angry with herself for not being able to curtail this behavior, and that she desperately needs her sister to feel loved and connected. If being self-destructive is the price she must pay, she believes she must not do otherwise. Since the sisters have been habituating to this rhythm for years, it is quite daunting to believe that they will find peace or feel safe as independent beings.

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