The title of this post refers to Sigmund Freud, not Britney Spears! Freud introduced the concept of the repetition compulsion, which refers to an unhealthy behavior from our unconscious past that unknowingly gets us in trouble until we can make that behavior conscious and understand the motivation behind its repetition. It refers to our tendency to repeat similar behaviors without realizing that the consequences of the repetition might be exactly what we were attempting to avoid.

An identical twin woman in her forties (Abby) has had a history of feeling excluded by her sister (Justine) since they were about ten years old. Prior to that the sisters were inseparable, spending most of their time together. When Justine became interested in making other friendships, Abby felt lost and alone. She survived by being a part of Justine’s friend group; however, she never felt fully engaged because she was convinced that the other girls simply tolerated her and preferred being with her sister. She felt this way throughout middle school and high school, and she deliberately cut ties with everyone in the group when she left for college.

Justine and Abby attended different colleges. Abby struggled to make friends, and when she did make a friend, she imposed tough expectations. For example, she needed a friend to be a good listener and an exceptional caretaker, as well as to be fully engaged in her life. However, she was habitually attracted to people who were self-involved and unavailable emotionally. She enjoyed being around creative people who were outgoing and popular. However, Abby experienced exclusion and rejection repeatedly in this type of friend group. She was at a loss to understand why her conscientious “good friend” behaviors were inconsistently reciprocated or unappreciated. She felt tremendous anger, sadness, and self-loathing that these individuals did not care about her the way she cared about them.

A similar pattern occurred in her romantic relationships. She unknowingly chose men who could not respond to her emotional needs. Then she got rid of them before they could exclude her from their lives. These ongoing experiences of being rejected, unloved, and not chosen resulted in bouts of severe depression. She checked out mentally, lost interest in her job, and most importantly felt hopeless about her future.

Abby readily agreed that this unconscious pattern of expecting to be discounted and then making choices that unwittingly cemented this outcome was important to recognize. She asked me how to reframe her behavior going forward, acknowledging that choosing self-involved people to provide her emotional support was a dead-end decision.

I explained that the repetition compulsion, according to Freudian beliefs, is our ongoing struggle to redress emotional grievances without realizing that our current behavior will not facilitate success or change. If Abby’s longing for closeness and understanding was so intense, why did she choose people who were unable to respond to her? Unconsciously, she attempted to undo her developmental hurt and rejection by getting back into the very situations she hoped to avoid.

When a psychotherapist can safely engage a patient’s curiosity about why the same dynamic happens repeatedly, an extraordinary breakthrough in understanding can happen. The patient must shift from assigning blame to seeing and accepting the role they are playing in a repetitive pattern. The awareness gives the patient some control over what is happening, rather than feeling endlessly victimized and punished. Yet making the unconscious conscious is not a panacea; rather, it is a therapeutic gift one can receive and utilize to change and emotionally mature.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio, Pexels