Why do some twin pairs feel incapable of transformative love?

Feelings of love, intimacy, expectations, and assumptions can change over the course of a lifetime. For example, romantic love at 25 is not the same as romantic love at 65. The circumstances and parameters unfold as we mature, evolve, and age. Most likely the healthiest connections are those that make room for appreciation, gratefulness, disappointment, change, and even conflict.

For various reasons, some twin connections cannot attain this necessary degree of flexibility and ambivalence. Often, twins are unaware that their current relationship still reflects their childhood patterns. They remain stuck in old roles with each other. Those archaic roles prevent each twin from reflecting upon their identity as a separate adult in the present day.

The roles that each twin plays are replete with rigid expectations. When these unspoken demands are not met, blame runs amok, resulting in hurt, disappointment, and betrayal, which leave both siblings feeling unloved, unimportant, and abandoned. These sentiments remain deeply ingrained in their psyche—unimaginable breaches that can never be forgiven.

Identical twin women in their forties came to me in such a state. One of them (Carol) said she felt stymied in her attempts to communicate with her sister (Carla). Carol had tried numerous times to form a connection, but each attempt ended in more disruption and anger. Carol was married and had opted not to have children, whereas Carla had become a wife and mother at a young age and was struggling emotionally and financially to raise her children.

Carla accused Carol of lending little or no support to her situation. Her hopes that Carol would be very involved with her children was a point of great contention. She had anticipated that Carol would be an available, supportive caretaker since the sisters lived only a few blocks from each other. Carol retorted that she had made it abundantly clear that her involvement would be much less than Carla wanted or needed.

Carla seemed to be so blinded by rage and disappointment that she was unable to accept the boundaries of Carol’s involvement. She made allegations and accusations about Carol’s choices, insinuating that Carol’s refusal to be involved was actually a personal attack on her, her lifestyle, and her needs. Exploring this claim brought up years of previous situations in which each felt abandoned by the other after they separated to go to different universities. In fact, they never connected well with each other after that separation as each blamed the other for years of estrangement and disinterest.

Apparently, in their early years together, they had lived in a blissful twin world of their own. Both described having no parental involvement—only their carefree and adventurous shared experiences. It appears that their abrupt separation, which lasted for many years, drove them so far apart that they could not see a way forward.

With no children and an older husband, Carol lived a relatively structured life. This contrasted wildly with the fly-by-night mentality Carla embraced. So what made it impossible for them to acknowledge each other’s needs and lifestyle and come to a peaceful resolution?

Neither of them could accept who the other had become. Since they no longer coexisted in their old twin bubble, they could not or would not appreciate how they had developed two very different personalities and had different needs and concerns. This discordant reality seemed impossible for them to navigate or accept.

Despite my repeated attempts to articulate their conflicting needs and demands, the therapy was unsuccessful. Although I felt defeated and sad, I grew from the experience myself by witnessing how young twin love defines the emotional trajectory of many adult twins who struggle to find a comfortable psychological balance with their same-age sibling.

Photo by Tahir Xəlfə, Pexels