Twin Loss: A Double Dose of Grief
Many twins will tell you that losing a twin is unlike other sibling losses. The depth and power of the twin bond that has grown over a lifetime cannot be duplicated by any other intimate connection. Their lives of shared experiences—both positive and negative—are embedded in their collective DNA.
I was speaking a few days ago to a young man in his thirties whose identical twin passed away about a month ago. His death was unexpected because his cancer had been in remission. I had spoken via Zoom a few times with him and his brother during the pandemic. The issue they were grappling with at that time had to do with being able to recognize and respect that they had personality differences that contributed to relationship tension from time to time. Since one young man was a bit more outgoing than the other, they worked at giving each other space without hurt feelings. Simply put, their differences did not become divisive because their communication about their different needs was shared and respected. In fact, getting to the heart of this issue enabled both to be more honest and authentic about their specific wishes.
The surviving twin is understandably bereft. He related that there is no one else in his life who knew everything about him—that precious gift to know someone instantly and deeply.
He talked about his identity. He is a twin and always will be, but how does one become accustomed to being a twinless twin? Fortunately, he has many friends, family members, and personal and professional obligations that help him stay busy and engaged in life.
He said that he felt very fortunate that he and his twin had worked through their minor emotional difficulties. While he can be at peace about that, he is suffering the deep traumatic loss of his brother and their connection. The twin bond is irreplaceable.
Beautifully articulated. As the mother is identical, twins, I cannot imagine a closer connection. My young adult twin sons know what the other is thinking in any given situation, and seek one another’s perspective and approval for all of their life‘s challenges. Even though they each have their own separate friends and their own lives, and live separately, at the end of the day they have, and rely on each other on a fundamental level.
I was happily shocked to see this article in my feed. I am the survivor twin who committed suicide over 20 years ago. The pain remains regardless of time. I have been through so much identity issues over the years trying to figure out some basic questions: even though he is dead, am I still a twin? The double grief is a phrase I do not necessarily agree with. Grief can be overcome, I believe it should be classified as trauma; something you cannot get over, just something bad you have to deal with for the rest of your life. Birthdays (which I have not celebrated since then) and Thanksgiving (the day he killed himself) are days that I still dread. Some years are easier than others, and sometimes it is surprisingly worse.
I don’t know where to start with this. I would love to get therapy and have in the past. It pretty much failed because my situation was so unique I did not find an appropriate therapist. Any suggestions will be kindly appreciated.
I lost my grandmother on Christmas Day 2024. and her twin passed yesterday a little over a year later, o can’t imagine the trauma this causes at any age, especially a first birthday alone at 98. Let alone, all that plus suicide. I’m truly so sorry. I don’t have any resources sadly, I just wanted to say that your comment provided a new perspective for me as I find my way through feeling like I projected my grandma onto my great aunt after her passing. I didn’t realize I was doing this – I mean I know she is a distinct individual- but I’m realizing that I latched harder after my gma passed. to understand her pain is impossible but I can’t help but feel I and family may have made it worse projecting our need for comfort in the same mourning onto her. I can’t undo it but I do feel selfish now. I think the double dose of grief may apply to family and friends of twins when they both pass. The surviving twin inherits the deceased’ inner circle and the unspoken pressures to comfort. Even if just for a little while. Then, the wound never heals and after the second death, the stitches rip open. I’m probably off topic and I apologize. I am missing my grandma a lot and now I just wish I could have done better for my aunt. 🙁 I hate how we as humans learn lessons by never forgetting how we fucked up. Time is so fleeting.
Thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts. I appreciate how you have been able to process the experience through the eyes of the other survivors.