Many parents express surprise about how much their twins fight; however, they are relieved and grateful that confrontations are quickly resolved. They are pleased they do not have to intervene to quell a conflict because it seems to be over swiftly. This nearly instantaneous resolution can feel like a stroke of luck in a busy household.

After a consultation with parents struggling to discipline their young twins, I reflected upon how much children learn about handling conflict when parents intervene and model appropriate behaviors and solutions. The importance of parental involvement cannot be understated. Children learn how to articulate their feelings, manage their behaviors, and understand the concepts of compromise and patience with a coregulating adult.

Some twin pairs appear to grasp these concepts in a quick, shorthand manner. They share, accommodate, compromise, and move on in the blink of an eye. From an outsider’s perspective, this effortless transition appears enviable. However, if we take a deeper look and a long-term view, we begin to recognize that this twin-to-twin method may leave some twins ill-equipped to handle socioemotional challenges on their own.

This lack of real-world experience in conflict resolution appears most precarious when twins begin to clash in new and different ways. Their binary experience allows for no shades of gray. The black-and-white certainty of their arguments leaves little room for diverse opinions or respectful disagreements. In effect, the mere fact that they find themselves in unfamiliar situations engenders anger and disappointment.

This brittle construction is painful and dangerous. Connections that can be porous, expandable, and fluid have a much greater chance of success. So when you can, please be mindful of your twins’ skirmishes and use them as opportunities to model and teach healthy conflict resolution.

Photo by yang miao on Unsplash