Why do some twin pairs distance themselves from each other if one twin marries or becomes involved in a romantic relationship? The single twin may ask herself, “Why does my sister need someone else? I have always been enough for her. I cannot stand the person she has chosen. How is she with someone so different from me? We have always been so close, and I have been the most important person in her life.”

The problem lies in the single twin’s relationship with her twin and not necessarily with the triadic “invader.” Of course, the single twin’s reactions of jealousy, betrayal, abandonment, and competition are real and understandable. She muses, “What am I going to do? My twin does not make space for me anymore, and our relationship was so precious and special. I took care of her our whole life. Our mother was not emotionally available, and I essentially raised my twin. It feels as if she belongs to me and no one else.”

A woman who is experiencing this type of rupture told me that she is critical of her twin and mean to her. She readily admits that she tries to make her sister feel guilty and wrong about the choices she has made. I commented, “If you continue to approach your sister in this manner, she will eventually want nothing to do with you. Your behavior and expectations will leave her no other choice.”

We went on to talk about how she feels like a jilted lover. Yet if she treasures the twin connection, she will have to work out some of her issues. She does not own her sister, nor does her sister owe her anything. She must learn how to treasure their childhood twin relationship and then let go of it to be able to make mature adult connections. If not, she will stay psychologically married to her twin and not know how to make other intimate connections for herself.

Photo by Ben Iwara on Unsplash