My Twin Is Suffering: I Have to Fix Her and Suffer Too
Sometimes, one twin is expected to “fix” her twin’s emotional and environmental orbit. In other words, the family relies on her to maintain the well-being and happiness of her twin. This twin acts as a caretaker and problem solver. While a similar situation can arise among singletons, a twin’s psychological burden can be quite distinct and life-changing.
Adult twins often feel stuck in this perpetual loop. Those who contact me need help understanding how and why these circumstances emerged. They want to be extricated from their obligation, and they require support to make changes without feeling enormous guilt and shame. Unfortunately, many twins cannot find a safe space to express their anger and resentment about having been pigeonholed and trapped into this role for most of their lives.
Being thrust into the caretaking role from a young age sets certain parameters for that twin. For instance, she learns early on that her feelings and needs are not necessarily important. In fact, she may become convinced that she should not have any important or meaningful feelings because they shift the focus away from her twin’s care. In extreme circumstances, one twin may consciously or unconsciously sabotage her own desires and sense of agency so that her sister does not suffer alone. She cannot tolerate celebrating her own accomplishments if her twin is troubled or unhappy.
Perhaps the caretaker twin will have a future opportunity to move away from her twin to attend college or to work. She’ll experience a respite and enormous relief about being divested of her role and free to attend to herself and her well-being. However, if she finds herself living near her twin again and having a somewhat parallel life, she will be triggered into the old mindset about how to make her twin happy at the expense of her own happiness. While she may understand and accept the intellectual rationale as to why any twin would want to let go, her repressed shame about being “selfish” can arise with an emotional ferocity that is difficult to bear. Childhood fears about being a bad girl and inviting parental disapproval contribute to tremendous self-loathing and self-sabotage.
In helping adult twins navigate their way through this tricky entanglement, I suggest taking baby steps along with pursuing emotional enlightenment. Each twin must find his or her own rhythm and pace to tolerate changes. One adult identical twin reported that pulling back from her obligation to think about her twin, to call her, and to obsess about what she may be needing or feeling has produced some dramatic results: her twin has become more attentive, friendlier, and more engaged.
Both twins are impacted by this “fix it” conviction. True reciprocity and authentic engagement can be achieved when two separate individuals respect their differences, tolerate ambivalence, and practice self-reliance.
Photo by Nini fromParis, Unsplash+
Your blog has helped me enormously. Reading my twin is suffering…is so true. I haven’t had time to think about myself. My twin wants me to suffer with her constantly and doesn’t allow me to have a life. Im 71 years old now and I’ve changed because I don’t have time to waste. I want to experience happiness before I pass. I recently purchased your book twins in Session and I identified with a lot of your case studies. Thank you so much for helping twins. Carmen
Amazing. Just like the woman in the previous comment, I am also 71 and breaking the bond of caretaking my twin, but for the third time. At 52 I finally told her I couldn’t hear her emotional agony and live it with her any more. She healed faster than I did! I felt I lived her life as well as mine. I became burnt out. I experienced intense sorrow and loss of purpose but I felt such relief at the same time. It took about 3 years to find my equilibrium. We picked up our relationship sharing more intellectual ideas than emotions. I didn’t feel very close but it was the way it needed to be. Unfortunately, she has a brighter, quicker intellect, is a liberal and not spiritual so she became increasingly dismissive and disrespectful of my points of view. She would even turn on me at times with a rage I didn’t understand. Childhood issues I now understand much more. About 4 years ago I felt so mistreated that I was able to tell her I couldn’t take one more dismissive tone or word. She was shocked but with a few months of not communicating while thinking about how we felt, we decided we could limit our talks to everyday activities, family and so on. It worked well for 3 years. Sadly, she has pulled away dramatically, both in frequency of communication and in affection, as my political views, which she asked about, challenge her severely. I feel a loss but I am learning again that I don’t need to reach out to her if she’s not in contact. I don’t offer her what she needs. I don’t need to caretake her. I am seeing that there are enough holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc to warrant a warm hello with good wishes and a general update. Nothing else is required, wanted or appreciated. I’m incredibly relieved to hear I am not alone in this battle with a twin. I’ve thought at times I wasted much of my life on a very difficult and abusive person. What a fool I was. But no, I’ve had a big heart and I’m not a fool and I’m not alone. Best wishes to all twins on their journey!