Both male and female twins experience grief and loss in regard to their twin when they begin to build other intimate attachments in adulthood. The twin relationship is a measuring stick for how attachments should feel. However, the twin attachment model can set up dangerous expectations for a connection between two separate people, one of whom is not a twin.

Reactions to such a shift vary widely. Some twins handle it beautifully. Although they may be troubled by authentic, expectable feelings of jealousy and disappointment, they can be supportive and happy for their twin. Others may think the new relationship signifies the end of their twinship. They may express sentiments such as “I am not a twin anymore. This is an abandonment and a betrayal. You have destroyed our beautiful, unique connection.” Female twins especially react to the introduction of a third person into their dyadic bubble with fear, disdain, and rage.

With such outpourings of indignation and disbelief, it becomes challenging for a twin to feel happy and more importantly entitled to celebrate her new relationship. Along with having to adjust to her twin’s feelings, she must also begin to evaluate if this partnership is worth the price of possibly alienating her sister. If she expects the intimacy with this partner to mimic or replicate the twin closeness she has experienced all her life, she may be sadly disappointed.

Many male twins I have worked with feel similarly. Although they have had little access to articulating their feelings about their twin relationship, they, too, are devastated to find out that their twin is moving on with someone else. This becomes even more shocking when there is an unstated belief by one twin that the twinship will remain the same forever.

Sometimes a twin makes sure that she establishes another relationship before she gathers the courage to separate from her sister. The idea of being alone without a partner is unbearable for some twins who have been overly connected. Over time the twinship can exact control and dominance over the self-agency and wishes of one twin. The notion of setting boundaries—especially boundaries that impact a twin’s primary source of emotional and physical well-being—strikes fear into the hearts of both twins.

An adult identical twin woman in her late twenties told me that giving in to avoid confrontation with her sister is an expression of giving up on herself. While she recognizes intellectually that she must find the courage to assert herself, she gets stymied by profound feelings of loss. She fears that if she were to set boundaries, she would be so lonely and she’d never again have those special moments of twin closeness.

She described a recent situation with her twin that epitomized these sentiments. As she was telling me about their experience, it felt as if she were in a shared universe alone with her sister. It reminded me how many twins say they felt connected in the womb—alone together in a shared space—just the two of them. While this idea may seem farfetched, there is certainly enough anecdotal evidence from twins who have experienced this prenatal connection in their conscious lives and mindset.

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