Sometimes, one twin is expected to “fix” her twin’s emotional and environmental orbit. In other words, the family relies on her to maintain the well-being and happiness of her twin. This twin acts as a caretaker and problem solver. While a similar situation can arise among singletons, a twin’s psychological burden can be quite distinct and life-changing.

Adult twins often feel stuck in this perpetual loop. Those who contact me need help understanding how and why these circumstances emerged. They want to be extricated from their obligation, and they require support to make changes without feeling enormous guilt and shame. Unfortunately, many twins cannot find a safe space to express their anger and resentment about having been pigeonholed and trapped into this role for most of their lives.

Being thrust into the caretaking role from a young age sets certain parameters for that twin. For instance, she learns early on that her feelings and needs are not necessarily important. In fact, she may become convinced that she should not have any important or meaningful feelings because they shift the focus away from her twin’s care. In extreme circumstances, one twin may consciously or unconsciously sabotage her own desires and sense of agency so that her sister does not suffer alone. She cannot tolerate celebrating her own accomplishments if her twin is troubled or unhappy.

Perhaps the caretaker twin will have a future opportunity to move away from her twin to attend college or to work. She’ll experience a respite and enormous relief about being divested of her role and free to attend to herself and her well-being. However, if she finds herself living near her twin again and having a somewhat parallel life, she will be triggered into the old mindset about how to make her twin happy at the expense of her own happiness. While she may understand and accept the intellectual rationale as to why any twin would want to let go, her repressed shame about being “selfish” can arise with an emotional ferocity that is difficult to bear. Childhood fears about being a bad girl and inviting parental disapproval contribute to tremendous self-loathing and self-sabotage.

In helping adult twins navigate their way through this tricky entanglement, I suggest taking baby steps along with pursuing emotional enlightenment. Each twin must find his or her own rhythm and pace to tolerate changes. One adult identical twin reported that pulling back from her obligation to think about her twin, to call her, and to obsess about what she may be needing or feeling has produced some dramatic results: her twin has become more attentive, friendlier, and more engaged.

Both twins are impacted by this “fix it” conviction. True reciprocity and authentic engagement can be achieved when two separate individuals respect their differences, tolerate ambivalence, and practice self-reliance.

Photo by Nini fromParis, Unsplash+