I have had consultations recently with three different men in their forties, each of whom has a dilemma concerning his relationship with his identical twin brother. One gentleman has been estranged from his twin for about 10 years and hopes to work on reconciliation and repair. The second longs to find a healthy way to separate from his brother now that he is in a meaningful long-term relationship. The third man wants to understand how his codependent relationship with his brother has negatively impacted other attachments.

When I encounter such situations, I often look for developmental commonalities. In all three cases, the twins’ relationship with their fathers was absent or minimal. These men have felt bullied by their twin in one way or another while growing up and into their adult lives. The roles they played in their families of origin are also somewhat similar in that these three men see themselves as the sensitive, empathic twin who was always the one who complied to keep the peace with their twin and by extension with their families.

As a result of the roles they were assigned, each man feels as if he has made tremendous sacrifices for the well-being of his twin. These sacrifices are not often, if ever, acknowledged or validated by their twin or their family, which has resulted in tremendous disappointment and resentment. Beneath the men’s anger and triggering rage is a longing to reconnect, repair the relationship, and recapture those moments of twin synergy where they felt harmoniously connected and in sync.

One gentleman (Louis) stated that he and his brother were both musicians growing up. In their twenties they played together in a band. Louis recalled their shared eye-rolling as they would wordlessly communicate their mutual disdain for a fellow musician.

Another man (Larry) described years in which he and his brother lived and worked together. These arrangements became contentious as the twins grew sick of each other. They would often have physical fights and screaming arguments that escalated to the point where the police were called. One night a severe altercation led to Larry locking his twin out of their apartment. Ironically, in the end, this action led to positive outcomes, eventually enabling each twin to achieve some modicum of independence.

The third twin (Lionel) moved to Europe after a number of nasty interactions with his brother. Lionel described his twin attachment as severely codependent. He has worked diligently to take responsibility for his behaviors, vowing not to repeat them in future romantic relationships.

Another common theme in these scenarios is the ongoing threat of abandonment along with the longing for a separate identity. Louis abandons and rejects his twin to avoid triggering ongoing vicious narcissistic slights. Larry is conflicted about how to carve out a single sense of self without alienating or upsetting his brother. Lionel realizes that taking on the role of the compliant, patient, vigilant, and caretaking twin has robbed him of his sense of self and left him unable to prioritize his own self-care.

What a burden to grow up feeling as if your beloved twin brother is an interruption or an impingement on your growth and potential. How does one learn to negotiate these embodied and embedded ambivalent feelings? How does one manage the competition and comparison that erupt when these conditions are no longer mitigated or masked by denial, closeness, and love?

I believe that most twins wish they could be best friends forever. However, their psychic relatedness must be able to transcend a conflicted mindset so that two distinct identities can evolve and develop.

Photo by Ralf Knüfer on Unsplash