For many years, I have dedicated my professional life to understanding and treating twins. People frequently thank me for writing about certain aspects of being a twin that are overlooked, intentionally or unintentionally. The primary themes seem to be difficulty getting along with one’s twin, being married to a twin, losing one’s twin, and being estranged from one’s twin.

Since most nontwins and our cultural stereotypes perpetuate the “twin mystique,” twins who legitimately suffer in their sibling relationship often have no one to confide in. In fact, many of my clients who sought therapy previously ended up leaving that treatment feeling frustrated and puzzled because their twinship was never acknowledged or addressed. Many twin pairs have been raised with the pretext that they should be each other’s lifelong best friend, so when life evolves unpredictably and unequally, they are not prepared to adapt to changes in themselves and their twin.

Parents of twins, as well as twins themselves, often expect one twin to make up for the other’s disadvantages and life struggles. If you were taught that it is your responsibility to compensate for inequalities, you were ushered into a role that you may have no desire to perform. Yet the “needier” twin expects the more self-sufficient twin to rise to the occasion no matter what. Many adult twins who find themselves in this predicament feel trapped, as if they have no choice but to take on the extra burden, all the while feeling bitter and victimized.

As a matter of fact, both the giver and the more dependent twin feel victimized. If they cannot sort out their personal grievances, this imbalance of emotional resources can end up with disastrous consequences. I had a consultation with an identical twin woman in her sixties who has chronically felt diminished and devalued by her twin sister. She feels that her sister has a very low opinion of her. As we sorted through some history and personal details, it became apparent that this very accomplished woman continually strived to get her twin’s approval and attention. However, until the consultation ended, she did not realize how much pressure she put on her sister to fulfill her expectations. Although she claimed that her sister did not want to help her, it turned out that my client had difficulty appreciating her sister’s perspectives about what helping her involved.

This dynamic highlights one constant narrative that illustrates the nuances of twin attachments. Twins seem to assume that they know each other more intimately than anyone else. While this may hold up as a childhood truth, many adult twins seem uninterested in or fearful about getting to know their twin as a separate person. This lack of curiosity may reflect a sense of loss and grief about their childhood connection. If twins can mourn this loss together and work on connecting as adults, their relationship can hold space for ambivalence, acceptance, and individuality.

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