As twins mature and reflect upon their twin connection, many wrestle with the sadness and resentment of a failed “twin mystique” experience. Until this unmet expectation can be articulated and processed emotionally, the conflict presents itself as a longstanding frustration and disappointment with one’s twin.

Recently I had the pleasure of speaking with a 60-year-old identical twin woman, “Anna,” who was bravely seeking answers to this emotional dilemma, unable to come to terms with the aspects of her twin relationship that consistently upset her. She has been in therapy and has a well-developed intellectual understanding of the issues; however, her reluctance to accept the present twinship parameters have contributed to her feeling stubbornly resentful and angry.

In our conversation, two salient factors emerged. First, she clearly recognized how little her mother related to her and her sister, leaving both siblings feeling as if they had grown up in an “idyllic” twin bubble for most of their childhood. The family and the twins themselves wholeheartedly bought into this version of reality, which was further magnified by the family’s taboo around expressing anger or conflict. Second, Anna was keenly aware that her function of fixing whatever was not feeling right extended beyond her twin to all family members. She carried a heightened sensitivity to “reading the room” in hopes of averting potential problems.

Her frustration and impatience about not being able to fix the situation with her twin was driving her to distraction. She explained that sometimes she became “so tapped out” that she had to withdraw and not speak to her twin. She had attempted tirelessly to find a way to understand her sister—but more importantly to be understood by her sister. Just as she had longed to be mirrored by her mother, her deep desire to be taken in by her sister was intense.

I asked her the following question during our conversation: “Have you taken on this ‘fix-it’ role when parenting your children?” She paused for a moment and then answered, “Absolutely not.” She described herself as a loving and supportive mom who believed wholeheartedly in promoting self-reliance and independence. Anna experienced this reflection as an aha moment, recognizing that her fix-it obsession was rooted primarily in the twin dynamic.

At the end of our time together, I purposefully and thoughtfully shared some of my personal twin experiences. I do this only when I feel that such self-exposure will help my client. Anna was more than grateful and thanked me profusely for the information. She vowed to work on accepting her twin as she is—without the ongoing wishes and expectations for reciprocity and mutual recognition. She will contemplate a way of being connected with her while simultaneously protecting herself. Anna may have to be content with a less-than-authentic connection. Both Anna and her sister want to be in each other’s lives. However, as happens in many relationships, one sibling does more compromising than the other to keep the peace and harmony.