For many years, I have dedicated my professional life to understanding and treating twins. People frequently thank me for writing about certain aspects of being a twin that are overlooked, intentionally or unintentionally. The primary themes seem to be difficulty getting along with one’s twin, being married to a twin, losing one’s twin, and being estranged from one’s twin. Since most nontwins and our cultural stereotypes perpetuate the “twin mystique,” twins who legitimately suffer in their sibling relationship often have […]

Following in one twin’s footsteps can be the path of least resistance. If one twin feels this is what he should do, he will remain steadfast in this course and live his life accordingly. This unspoken, unarticulated calling happens frequently in the lives of identical twin men. One twin becomes accustomed to his brother making most of the decisions for both. Although he may not even be aware that this is happening, he gets used to feeling safe with and […]

An identical twin man in his forties, “Allan,” struggles with accepting the reality that his twin wants very little to do with him. This young man has devoted so much of his emotional life caring for his brother that he cannot comprehend that his brother does not feel loving toward him. This sort of breakup seems inconceivable to Allan, who agonizes when reflecting upon how horribly his twin treats him. He makes excuses and invents rationale to justify his brother’s […]

Negotiating independence is an ongoing developmental struggle that requires continual tweaks and adjustments. Toddlers clumsily initiate this experimentation through trial and error. While toddlerhood is challenging for both parents and their children, this stage presents a pivotal opportunity to learn how to manage ongoing challenges throughout life. Toddlers who flirt or fight with separation learn that they can return to a parental safe space to explore and grow. Unfortunately, some twin pairs do not experience this toddler-stage investigation because they […]

As twins mature and reflect upon their twin connection, many wrestle with the sadness and resentment of a failed “twin mystique” experience. Until this unmet expectation can be articulated and processed emotionally, the conflict presents itself as a longstanding frustration and disappointment with one’s twin. Recently I had the pleasure of speaking with a 60-year-old identical twin woman, “Anna,” who was bravely seeking answers to this emotional dilemma, unable to come to terms with the aspects of her twin relationship […]