An identical twin man in his forties, “Allan,” struggles with accepting the reality that his twin wants very little to do with him. This young man has devoted so much of his emotional life caring for his brother that he cannot comprehend that his brother does not feel loving toward him. This sort of breakup seems inconceivable to Allan, who agonizes when reflecting upon how horribly his twin treats him. He makes excuses and invents rationale to justify his brother’s […]

Negotiating independence is an ongoing developmental struggle that requires continual tweaks and adjustments. Toddlers clumsily initiate this experimentation through trial and error. While toddlerhood is challenging for both parents and their children, this stage presents a pivotal opportunity to learn how to manage ongoing challenges throughout life. Toddlers who flirt or fight with separation learn that they can return to a parental safe space to explore and grow. Unfortunately, some twin pairs do not experience this toddler-stage investigation because they […]

As twins mature and reflect upon their twin connection, many wrestle with the sadness and resentment of a failed “twin mystique” experience. Until this unmet expectation can be articulated and processed emotionally, the conflict presents itself as a longstanding frustration and disappointment with one’s twin. Recently I had the pleasure of speaking with a 60-year-old identical twin woman, “Anna,” who was bravely seeking answers to this emotional dilemma, unable to come to terms with the aspects of her twin relationship […]

Many identical twin pairs have shared with me how they have tolerated being stared at, gawked at, peppered with inane comments, and put on display in a performative manner. Some twins get accustomed to this treatment; it does not bother them as they chalk it up to nontwins’ fascination with identicality. Others, however, have felt emotionally scarred by their lifelong experience of being seen but not known. A female identical twin in her early fifties, “Sable,” described how her sister […]

While many people who seek psychotherapy feel victimized in some way, twins feel victimized in a distinctively specific manner. This situation arises because twins are frequently each other’s primary caregivers. The expectations and demands that accompany this attachment style are complex and often unarticulated. As a result, when twins enter new stages of adulthood, they have no clear pathway to understanding the differences they might experience. An identical twin woman in her fifties reached out to me to try to […]