Negotiating independence is an ongoing developmental struggle that requires continual tweaks and adjustments. Toddlers clumsily initiate this experimentation through trial and error. While toddlerhood is challenging for both parents and their children, this stage presents a pivotal opportunity to learn how to manage ongoing challenges throughout life. Toddlers who flirt or fight with separation learn that they can return to a parental safe space to explore and grow. Unfortunately, some twin pairs do not experience this toddler-stage investigation because they […]

As twins mature and reflect upon their twin connection, many wrestle with the sadness and resentment of a failed “twin mystique” experience. Until this unmet expectation can be articulated and processed emotionally, the conflict presents itself as a longstanding frustration and disappointment with one’s twin. Recently I had the pleasure of speaking with a 60-year-old identical twin woman, “Anna,” who was bravely seeking answers to this emotional dilemma, unable to come to terms with the aspects of her twin relationship […]

Many identical twin pairs have shared with me how they have tolerated being stared at, gawked at, peppered with inane comments, and put on display in a performative manner. Some twins get accustomed to this treatment; it does not bother them as they chalk it up to nontwins’ fascination with identicality. Others, however, have felt emotionally scarred by their lifelong experience of being seen but not known. A female identical twin in her early fifties, “Sable,” described how her sister […]

While many people who seek psychotherapy feel victimized in some way, twins feel victimized in a distinctively specific manner. This situation arises because twins are frequently each other’s primary caregivers. The expectations and demands that accompany this attachment style are complex and often unarticulated. As a result, when twins enter new stages of adulthood, they have no clear pathway to understanding the differences they might experience. An identical twin woman in her fifties reached out to me to try to […]

Many twins who seek my advice are dealing with issues of dependency and identity. This struggle is natural given how they have functioned within their twinship. An identical twin man in his early forties (Duke) has been working diligently to forge a singular sense of himself. He yearns to feel confident about engaging in a romantic relationship where he does not exhibit behaviors that mimic his twinship roles and expectations. For twins, these ingrained behavioral patterns stubbornly persist, and conscious […]