Frequently, identical twins have a blurred sense of their purpose and identity. I work with an identical twin man in his early forties who consistently struggles with interpersonal relationships owing to his penchant for repeatedly falling into a caretaking role with potential romantic partners. He has a well-thought-out intellectual understanding about why he falls into this trap often; however, from an emotional standpoint, he feels as if he will not be lovable or worthy if he does not demonstrate intense behaviors of concern.

Many twins find interpersonal relationships to be challenging for several reasons. They search for someone like the sibling who fulfilled many of their needs growing up—a person who gets them, a consistent and constant companion with whom they have a deep-seated intimacy that eclipses all other connections.

It is not difficult to understand why these obstacles exist. Many twins who assume a caretaker role never question their job. They are responsible for their twin’s well-being at all costs.

My patient confided that he feels compelled to take on his brother’s sadness. His mission is to ensure his brother’s happiness and stability. Any residual fallout becomes his challenge to fix—albeit at a big personal cost to himself. In this unconscious splitting there is no palpable resentment or defiance. This twin acts like an obedient soldier who follows orders and carries out his mission.

Thus, struggling to resign from this commission is no easy decision. In a therapeutic setting, we seek a gradual unfolding and understanding about the part my patient has played in this bargain. How and why was he assigned this role? In so many instances, this paradigm arises organically and silently without rhyme or reason. Learning how to assuage blame and fate is a way to begin to heal from the trauma of co-dependency.

Photo by El Guseinov on Unsplash