Needing a Best Friend

A young adult female identical twin, “S,” struggles with her girlfriend relationships. Although she has many close friendships, her longing to be the “one and only” best friend consumes her. While she has an intellectual understanding about this issue being inextricably linked to her twinship, emotionally she gets stymied. She is constantly bothered, upset, and perhaps a bit obsessed by her girlfriends’ other intimate connections. The idea that she cannot be number one makes her feel devalued, unimportant, and unloved.

S’s constant tension about needing a best friend is linked to being her twin’s devotee and best friend. Her sister was extroverted, confident, and focused. S remained behind the scenes so as not to eclipse her sister in any way. She believed that there would be an enormous payback for such sacrifices—being her twin’s best friend forever. However, her sister’s intimate connection with another shattered these expectations.

S has worked diligently in treatment to attempt to come into her own—feeling that she is a desirable person who deserves people in her life who can admire her and cherish her. She can identify and articulate these feelings in the context of her twin connection. She can share some of these misgivings with her good friends so that her needy behaviors can be put into another perspective. She must consistently reframe her negative feelings so she can stay positively regulated in her interactions.

Certainly we are aware of how societal, cultural, and familial expectations demand that twins be best friends. If they are not, parents and twins themselves feel as if they have let everyone down. S realizes that the best-friend longing is connected to replacing her twin attachment. More than likely, the replacement twin relationship reflects important qualities that mirror the twin connection.

Many twin pairs seek a soulmate to replicate the extraordinary closeness and unconditional love they experienced in their childhood. Twins who escape this indoctrination are truly blessed. They authentically can enjoy and love their twin without resentments and disappointments.

Photo by ELEVATE, Pexels

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