Working with twins who are attempting to manage feeling enmeshed with or estranged from their same-age sibling is a heart-wrenching challenge. Considering the cultural mythos that defines twins as soul mates and best friends, it can be daunting to accept that being either too close or too separate can give rise to an untenable situation. Nonetheless, since many twin pairs are raised without any conscious attention given to developing their sense of uniqueness, it is reasonable to assume that relationship struggles will arise as they approach young adulthood and beyond.

In cases of estrangement, the issues of fairness and role definitions are often big concerns. The “good” twin feels as if he is in control and has a stronghold on the familial landscape. His less-than-desirable double feels bullied and victimized. These stances are grossly magnified and exacerbated by the fact that the twins are compared ad nauseam. The “bad” twin feels as if he cannot break out of his role because his family and twin need him to be a scapegoat. He is essentially the “identified patient”—the fall guy—and many of the family’s sadomasochistic behaviors are perpetuated upon this child.

I am working with a gentleman in his 60s (“Larry”) whose fraternal twin died by suicide about 30 years ago. He is estranged from his family because of the mistreatment and torment he experienced at the hands of his siblings and parents. He describes a childhood where his smart, popular, and good-looking twin brother was the favorite child. My patient was treated as expendable and worthless. He spent years battling depression with drugs and alcohol until he was able to acknowledge his traumatic upbringing.

His twin was not nice to him when they were growing up. In their adulthood, however, they developed a mutual respect and friendship. His brother was an accomplished academician in his early thirties when he shot himself. Larry was crushed and enraged by his family’s cavalier attitude about his twin’s death. The family’s dismissive and disparaging reactions sent shockwaves through my client. Larry was reliving yet again the absence of empathy and mirroring he had longed for his whole life.

Although three decades have elapsed since his twin’s suicide, Larry chokes up with emotion whenever he speaks about him. Larry and I have been talking about how growing up as a twin unknowingly contributed to his inclination to merge with his adolescent son. Larry misses the notion of family and believes his twin would have been part of his life if he were still alive. Keeping his twin alive in some form celebrates his memory and life. Larry worries that he is the only person who will remember him, so it has become his responsibility and desire to do so.

Photo by Tony Rocket on Unsplash