A twin caretaker’s “desertion” of his same-age sibling seems like an unparalleled and unprecedented betrayal. If one twin has relied on the other to supply unconditional love and support, how can he adjust to being dropped and replaced, especially if a romantic partner is now occupying that space? Of course, emotional reactions supersede intellectual reasoning. The cared-for twin might say, “I understand you want a romantic attachment in your life, but what happens to me? You can’t just drop me […]

Both male and female twins experience grief and loss in regard to their twin when they begin to build other intimate attachments in adulthood. The twin relationship is a measuring stick for how attachments should feel. However, the twin attachment model can set up dangerous expectations for a connection between two separate people, one of whom is not a twin. Reactions to such a shift vary widely. Some twins handle it beautifully. Although they may be troubled by authentic, expectable […]

I have had consultations recently with three different men in their forties, each of whom has a dilemma concerning his relationship with his identical twin brother. One gentleman has been estranged from his twin for about 10 years and hopes to work on reconciliation and repair. The second longs to find a healthy way to separate from his brother now that he is in a meaningful long-term relationship. The third man wants to understand how his codependent relationship with his […]

Sometimes, one twin is expected to “fix” her twin’s emotional and environmental orbit. In other words, the family relies on her to maintain the well-being and happiness of her twin. This twin acts as a caretaker and problem solver. While a similar situation can arise among singletons, a twin’s psychological burden can be quite distinct and life-changing. Adult twins often feel stuck in this perpetual loop. Those who contact me need help understanding how and why these circumstances emerged. They […]

I have written numerous posts about what happens when one twin emotionally moves away from the twin connection for any of a variety of reasons, such as romantic involvements, geographical moves, and intolerable inequities leading to excessive envy and criticism. As a result, one twin recognizes that his twin cannot and will not be “his person” any longer. The twin who feels he has lost his sole support, friend, and irreplaceable other often cannot tolerate the loneliness and abandonment that […]