For the last 30 years, my twin sister has spent our birthday with her best friend. They ended up coincidentally becoming roommates their freshman year in college and have remained inseparable ever since. I am certain that I must have felt excluded at the beginning of their friendship. However, my sister and I always make plans to celebrate our birthday together, even if it’s not on the exact day. I think, in some fashion, both of us feel liberated. Since […]

While parents of twins know that same-age siblings fight continually, they may not realize that frequently the dyadic conflict morphs into bullying, sometimes outside of parental awareness. These circumstances are more likely to occur when the family system cannot manage conflict, appreciate differences, or enforce appropriate boundaries consistently. The twins themselves are left in charge of settling matters between themselves. To keep some semblance of peace between the two of them, one twin may have to “take one for the […]

Working with twins who are attempting to manage feeling enmeshed with or estranged from their same-age sibling is a heart-wrenching challenge. Considering the cultural mythos that defines twins as soul mates and best friends, it can be daunting to accept that being either too close or too separate can give rise to an untenable situation. Nonetheless, since many twin pairs are raised without any conscious attention given to developing their sense of uniqueness, it is reasonable to assume that relationship […]

A twin caretaker’s “desertion” of his same-age sibling seems like an unparalleled and unprecedented betrayal. If one twin has relied on the other to supply unconditional love and support, how can he adjust to being dropped and replaced, especially if a romantic partner is now occupying that space? Of course, emotional reactions supersede intellectual reasoning. The cared-for twin might say, “I understand you want a romantic attachment in your life, but what happens to me? You can’t just drop me […]

Both male and female twins experience grief and loss in regard to their twin when they begin to build other intimate attachments in adulthood. The twin relationship is a measuring stick for how attachments should feel. However, the twin attachment model can set up dangerous expectations for a connection between two separate people, one of whom is not a twin. Reactions to such a shift vary widely. Some twins handle it beautifully. Although they may be troubled by authentic, expectable […]