“My twin is getting married—I am excited and happy, and I feel alone and miserable.”

“I want others to think both my twin sister and I are pretty—and I want to be prettier than she is.”

“I can be the generous and loving twin if I am winning.”

Twins who grow up being compared to each other experience their self-worth and self-esteem from an external perspective rather than an internalized one. Societal and family pressures unwittingly contribute to this dilemma. When nontwins look for minute differences to help distinguish one twin from the other, these distinctions can become labels and eventually part and parcel of the twins’ identity formation.

Many people do not realize how terribly difficult it is for twins to cultivate comfortable ambivalence. Twins have been accustomed to accommodating to each other’s needs and wishes from an early stage of development to maintain the harmony of the twin connection. Consequently, they have habitually and probably unconsciously developed a prohibition against holding two perspectives because such a mindset may pose a threat to their twin bond.

A well-developed sense of self is required to confront a conflictual topic confidently and safely without becoming angry or defensive. The capacity to self-reflect in these moments is crucial. Sadly, many twins become estranged from each other precisely because their capacity to develop a separate self was hindered, prevented, or delayed by growing up in a twin bubble.

When I counsel twin pairs in conflict, the outcome is very much predicated upon each one’s individual growth and development. Often, one twin urgently wants to rekindle the connection, but her twin does not have the capacity to take in their differences and find a way to coexist comfortably.

Photo by Nick Fancher, Unsplash+