Following in one twin’s footsteps can be the path of least resistance. If one twin feels this is what he should do, he will remain steadfast in this course and live his life accordingly. This unspoken, unarticulated calling happens frequently in the lives of identical twin men. One twin becomes accustomed to his brother making most of the decisions for both. Although he may not even be aware that this is happening, he gets used to feeling safe with and dependent upon this arrangement. He does not stop to consider how he feels about what he is doing or why. He has an implicit belief that his twin knows what is best and is carving out the necessary path for the well-being of the dyad.

In these types of cases, I have repeatedly noticed that this unrequited loyalty breaks down when the decision-making twin begins a romantic relationship. Of course, the new pairing of the twin and his romantic partner leaves the brother stranded, scared, alone, and lost.

A twin man in his midthirties (Abe) is wrestling with the emotional fallout of similar circumstances. He is racked with indecision about many aspects of his life that he has not previously had to confront on his own. It is like walking with a crutch all one’s life and suddenly having to walk without it. Abe did not have the space or opportunity to learn about his feelings nor trust himself to figure out his next steps. He is overwhelmed with self-loathing, anxiety, and a profoundly defeatist attitude about his personal and professional life choices. The dream, fantasy, or illusion of living happily ever after with his twin has been shattered. Abe’s ambivalent acknowledgment of his brother’s successes further complicates his angst.

As time passes him by, Abe feels increasingly despondent about his future. He remains paralyzed and indecisive. His lack of self-confidence and agency seem embedded in chronic feelings of shame. We have our work cut out for us; nonetheless, I am hopeful we will be able to work through some of these emotional blocks to help him recover and discover his own strengths and identity.

Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash