Sadly, yet understandably, when one twin forms a partnership with someone outside the twinship, the other twin feels left out and abandoned. Often the blame for such a scenario falls either on the twin or on the twin’s intimate other. Regardless of who shoulders the responsibility, all the parties involved suffer feelings of guilt, resentment, and possibly astonishment.

I have been working with a 50-year-old male fraternal twin, Steve, whose emotional relationship with his twin sister, Sherry, has steadily declined since her second marriage. While Steve got along well with his twin’s first husband, her current spouse has not been receptive to Steve’s relationship with Sherry. Steve has attempted to address this issue with his sister; however, she does not appear willing to acknowledge Steve’s experiences or feelings. While Steve desires to have a relationship with his niece and nephew, he feels unwelcome, unappreciated, and rejected.

I recognize that the subject of marital loyalty comes up in many relationships where there can be conflict between spouses and the in-law families. This type of friction is neither uncommon nor unexpectable. However, in the case of twins, the emotions are heightened and intense because of the close relationship that the siblings shared growing up. Steve spoke longingly about the beautiful connection he and Sherry once enjoyed. He told me endless anecdotes about how together they coped emotionally in a chaotic family setting. While Steve recognizes that he cannot recreate that same dynamic, he misses the spontaneous laughter, joy, and camaraderie that he and his sister previously shared.

We are working to help Steve grieve the loss of the twinship as it was. Rather than focusing upon his anger and disappointment, our treatment has moved to the space where he is learning how to let go and admit that he is powerless to change the circumstances. He must make his own decisions about how and if he will be involved with Sherry and her family.

It is important to highlight that being left out and dismissed is an enormous challenge for twins who have experienced that special twin bond. Clinicians and families who see twins struggling with this dynamic need to pay particularly close attention to the grief and loss rather than expecting the twin to simply get over it. The circumstances are much more complex and need to be handled accordingly.

Photo by Jackie Best on Unsplash