At different developmental junctures, some twins decide that it is time to make independent decisions that will undoubtedly alter their twin relationship. This might involve a move away that will impose physical restrictions on the twins’ being able to see each other frequently. Or it might entail a wish to move in with a romantic partner, leaving the other twin alone. Sometimes, these decisive moves are implemented without any awareness that the “abandoned” twin will react poorly. In other situations, a well-thought-out plan helps prepare the departing twin for the pushback and fallout that may occur.

A 40-year-old gentleman whom I will call Harold had been dating a woman for many years. He felt hesitant to move in with her, fearful about the impact of this change on his identical twin brother. While he readily realized his own needs and desires, he felt understandably troubled about his brother’s reactions.

Although Harold and his brother did not live together, they lived across the street from each other. Both worked in the same professional capacity as well. Harold understood that he had to take this step; otherwise, he would feel forever resentful and angry. Harold has been the caretaking twin. So abandoning his charge for his own personal happiness felt selfish and wrong. Like so many twins who have experienced gut-wrenching separation pain, Harold vowed that it was now or never. He had to persevere.

While he braced himself to manage his brother’s sadness and resentment, Harold did not anticipate that his other family members would turn against him. His mother, sister, and younger brother have all made it exceptionally difficult for Harold to honor his choices. They have chided him for deserting his brother and selfishly prioritizing his own needs. The family members have all stepped in to rally around poor brother Harvey, feeling that he cannot take adequate care of himself without Harold in his life.

No one seems able or willing to champion Harold’s courageous move. They seem clueless about how difficult it is to separate from your twin for another intimate attachment. Whie Harold deals with his own guilt and shame, his family punishes him for being selfish and disloyal.

A word to the wise: support each twin in their separate pursuits and endeavors. At the end of the day, twins are two separate people who deserve to live as they choose without caving in to the whims and directives of others who seem disturbed by the severed twin bond. The twin bond does not have to be severed when differences are respected and tolerated.

Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes, Unsplash+