I have written numerous posts about what happens when one twin emotionally moves away from the twin connection for any of a variety of reasons, such as romantic involvements, geographical moves, and intolerable inequities leading to excessive envy and criticism. As a result, one twin recognizes that his twin cannot and will not be “his person” any longer.

The twin who feels he has lost his sole support, friend, and irreplaceable other often cannot tolerate the loneliness and abandonment that emerge. Frequently the twin who experiences this loss believes he has always been the shier, quieter counterpart. Nonetheless, he has willingly accepted this role because he trusted that his brother’s presence would guarantee emotional equilibrium.

He is convinced that he cannot survive on his own, and he is unable to understand or accept his twin’s ongoing desire for separateness and exclusivity. He has little faith in his ability to define himself on his own. Without confidence or optimism, he contends with a tremendous sense of depression, anxiety, and negativity. After years of not knowing himself and believing that he can be happy only by being half of a whole, he is faced with quite a challenge to embrace a transformative change.

Outsiders, as well as the twins themselves, are often shocked at the magnitude of the emotional fallout since many of the twins’ behaviors are either unconscious or unarticulated. I have personally seen several cases where the breakdown of this systemic balance has led to severe suicidal ideations in one twin or both. Twins are shaken to the core because they have not acknowledged how much the twin connection has shaped their view of the world and themselves. They have not recognized the extent to which they have needed each other to hold them up both socially and emotionally. Confronting the aloneness feels annihilating and unfathomable.

The intense, delicately nuanced twin bond is complicated. Since prevailing societal perceptions idealize twin relationships, many people cannot imagine that ruptures and bumps are expectable along the way. In the most unhappy cases, an unhealthy connection has the potential to eradicate the requisite qualities that each twin needs to feel like an integrated, thriving young adult.

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