I cannot count the number of times I have heard twins say, “I do not deserve to be happy if my twin is upset.” This belief is one of the more challenging emotional dilemmas to work through when treating twins. Twins who think and feel this way frequently recognize how unhealthy and limiting it is. Nevertheless, this viewpoint has been top of mind for most of their lives. Enmeshed twins suffer more with this mindset. Coparenting each other for most of their formative years cements a foundation for this type of attachment state.

A thirty-something gentleman I will call Chris laments that his mood, frame of mind, and outlook on the world are predicated upon his feeling and knowing that his twin is okay. Otherwise, he loses his hold on reality and follows his brother down the emotional rabbit hole. When his brother is angry or upset with him, Chris cannot tolerate those feelings and will do his best to make things better between the two of them. The sentiment that one twin has to “fix” the situation for the other is commonplace.

When Chris attempts to form relationships outside the twinship, he operates similarly. He is ever vigilant about looking for and needing immediate positive feedback and validation. If he does not receive it, he immediately assumes he has done something wrong or stupid to alienate the other person. This people-pleasing behavior is a turnoff to many people. However, it is so deeply ingrained in Chris’s mode of relating to others that he must consciously stop himself from falling into these expectations and judging his every self-conscious move.

As a result, he understandably often feels victimized by others who are not responding to or aware of his constant need for affirmation and approval. He acknowledges that he overthinks to such an extent that he loses himself in the present moment. As another of my patients explained, if she fails in her caretaking duties, her credibility and self-esteem are put into question, leaving her vulnerable to terrifying and annihilating self-loathing and misery.

Photo by STARLiGHT (cropped) on Unsplash