Many twin patients I have seen over the years speak about the shame they have felt about having or keeping secrets from their twin. Compared to nontwins, same-age siblings are particularly sensitive to this dynamic. Imagine growing up in a dyadic relationship where there is little room to be separate, alone, or differentiated from one’s brother or sister. In this emotional world, everything is shared, including language, friends, possessions, and parents. Within this environment, where twins can claim very little as their own as individuals, people expect the sibling pair to be exposed to all the same experiences and to develop a well-negotiated system of parceling out what is available, from financial resources to parental love.

As twins mature and long to develop individualized selves, they begin to encounter situations, relationships, and emotional states that they no longer desire to share. For many twins, the acquisition of life experiences and connections without their same-age sibling may evoke overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame about wanting to keep certain information secret.

Unlike twins, singletons are naturally exposed to situations that they do not experience with their siblings. They don’t feel an obligation to share, yet they don’t feel as if they are hiding anything either. On the contrary, if twins desire to keep their inner world from being usurped, diluted, or exposed, they need to make a conscious decision to protect their privacy. Since many twins grow up in a shared competitive space, it stands to reason that they have to learn how to safeguard what another may covet.

Sadly, the psychological cost of selfish self-protection can include crushing misgivings and emotional impasses. Twins are caught in the crossfire between safeguarding their own feelings and possibly hurting their twin. The paradox feels punitive—feeling entitled to possess something of your own while recognizing that what you are withholding may jeopardize the person with whom you are most connected. This contradiction makes many twins feel incredibly ashamed.

When twins gain insight into this brutal dichotomy, my hope is that they can reframe their shame as a desire to take expectable steps toward authenticity and separateness. A focus on one’s growing independence and personal choice may actually liberate each twin from this unhappy incongruity.

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