When our friends, siblings, and relatives begin having children, we may have feelings of joy and happiness along with envy and resentment. An expectable dose of healthy ambivalence is front and center. However, when twins find themselves in this predicament, their emotions can become exaggerated and quite painful.

An identical twin in her midthirties has found herself in such a situation. She is not married yet, while her twin has been married for several years and just had a baby. Shelley has been excited about her newborn niece and is happy to be involved with her. Her sister, Charlotte, has welcomed Shelley into this new phase and is delighted to share it with her.

Nonetheless, Shelley confided that the more difficult side of this equation is her feeling that she is losing Charlotte—again. The first loss was Charlotte’s marriage, and the second was the birth of the baby.

Shelley understands that this situation is real for her. Her ability to acknowledge her upsetting feelings of loss and grief and sadness is a monumental emotional achievement. She has spent considerable time working through the initial abandonment, which began when Charlotte announced she was involved in a romantic relationship. While the birth of the baby is yet another situation arousing envy and resentment, Shelley understands that her feelings are legitimate and normal.

She is not wasting time becoming fixated upon her own victimization and loneliness. She can express and accept her more negative feelings without feeling bad or wrong or guilty. The capacity to do so is a healthy adaptation because her negativity will not cloud or dampen her enjoyment of her time with her niece nor impair her desire to help her sister.

The beauty of therapy is that it allows for the expression love and hate and all the shades of gray in between.

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