Countless twins who find themselves in the role of the caretaker twin grow up believing that their job is to fix what seems harmful or potentially dangerous to the cared-for twin. Often, this position is not articulated or even conscious. It seems to come to light when the twin dynamic runs into an expectable snag or two.

Unknowingly and tragically, this unhealthy paradigm may be repeated in other attachments. One young man habitually found himself in relationships with women he tried to please. Out of touch with his own needs and feelings, he would morph intuitively into the partner that his girlfriend wanted. He earnestly believed that if he resolved to be what she needed, the relationship would blossom. However, after a time, this formula would break down when his partner realized his front was a false self. When she began to find holes in his representation, he would become angry and upset that his efforts to please her were not reciprocated or appreciated.

Gradually we recognized that his pattern of giving himself away and turning into what he believed his partner wanted or needed was an unconscious repetition of how he had tried to care for his twin brother. He related that he tried to intuit what his brother expected and wanted of him, and he worked tirelessly to please him and accommodate his wishes.

Yet no matter how hard he tried, he felt like an unlovable failure because his twin did not seem willing or able to honor his struggles and choices. The more he longed for that approval and love, the more self-loathing and depression he felt. Over time he realized how much this dynamic interfered with his ability to accept himself and enjoy his successes on his own. When he was able to stop looking for outside approval to substantiate his life choices, he developed a much clearer sense of his identity and purpose. His caretaking role had prevented him from recognizing that he needed to live for himself and manifest his own dreams.

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