I frequently point out that twins cannot be surrogate parents for one another; in other words, children cannot be parented by a same-age sibling. So I plead, ad nauseam, for parents to spend one-on-one time with each twin whenever possible and nurture their attachment to each child individually, not dyadically. Some twin pairs who spent their childhood needing each other struggle with recognizing their independent selves. In fact, their identities are contingent on providing the essential roles of caregiver and cared […]
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Parenting Is a Family Business
A few weeks ago, I attended a two-day conference in New York City sponsored by the World of Business Ideas. Many of the speakers emphasized the socioemotional components that nurture successful corporate leadership and well-functioning management teams. As a psychologist, I recognized that many of the issues they discussed were relevant to parenting. For example, one of the speakers talked about emotional triggers. He described them as hijackings of the amygdala. A vital part of parenting as well as corporate […]
Nurturing Differentiation Mitigates Hurtful Rivalry
An acquaintance of mine who is the mother of identical ten-year-old daughters shared a lovely story about her girls’ first sleepover. Since her daughters were previously reluctant to do sleepovers, the mom was pleasantly surprised when both girls expressed a keen desire to sleep at their friend’s house. The mother mirrored their enthusiasm about embarking on a new experience. Nevertheless, she was well aware that one of the girls might not make it through the night. When bedtime came, the […]
Twin Travails
High school–age twins frequently contact me via my website to request help with a project or paper about twin relationships. Most of them research issues or ideas that resonate with their developmental experiences. The other day, three female sixteen-year-olds—an identical twin pair and a fraternal twin—asked for my assistance with a presentation they were preparing for a school assembly. I suggested that they discuss some of the challenges that twins encounter growing up, since most people are incredulous to learn […]
R-e-s-p-e-c-t
Twins who grew up in the role of the caretaker often struggle to not repeat that behavior in other intimate relationships. Even when a twin successfully discards this role with her sibling, she may consciously or unconsciously duplicate this behavior with friends, other family members, and significant others. An adult twin woman in her thirties, whom I will call Cherie, continually gets herself in trouble by putting the needs of her friends first. She has tremendous difficulty saying no to […]