A twin caretaker’s “desertion” of his same-age sibling seems like an unparalleled and unprecedented betrayal. If one twin has relied on the other to supply unconditional love and support, how can he adjust to being dropped and replaced, especially if a romantic partner is now occupying that space? Of course, emotional reactions supersede intellectual reasoning. The cared-for twin might say, “I understand you want a romantic attachment in your life, but what happens to me? You can’t just drop me like this, especially since I have relied on you to keep us both afloat.”

The caretaker might respond as follows:

I do not want to hurt you or abandon you, but how will I get my needs met if I don’t escape this twinship scenario? I don’t want to live with you anymore; I don’t want to work with you anymore. I want to live with my girlfriend and experience what it is like to be a singleton without the twin noose around my neck.

Yet these needs of mine make me feel sad, guilty, and self-centered. I don’t want to hurt you, but I must let you go to carry on with my life. I see you are upset, resentful, and angry, and I don’t blame you for these feelings. But I can’t be responsible for these reactions—you must own them and try to work out what you want for your life. I know my decisions devastate you, but my hope is that they will motivate you to find you. My moving away from you emotionally creates space for you to redefine yourself.

I want my own identity and my own successes. I want the same for you. My greatest sorrow is twin loneliness—I know I can never hope to recreate the intimacy we have shared throughout our lives. No other human being will ever come close to replicating our unique connection. Believe me, brother, I will miss that more than you know. But I must find me at the cost of missing or losing you. There is no other pathway through this enmeshment that we have shared for more than thirty years.

With his brother’s encouragement, the cared-for twin must redefine himself and his relationship with his brother while creating a new life for himself.

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