Many twins who seek my advice are dealing with issues of dependency and identity. This struggle is natural given how they have functioned within their twinship. An identical twin man in his early forties (Duke) has been working diligently to forge a singular sense of himself. He yearns to feel confident about engaging in a romantic relationship where he does not exhibit behaviors that mimic his twinship roles and expectations.

For twins, these ingrained behavioral patterns stubbornly persist, and conscious intention and focus are required to relinquish them. Duke laments the time he has wasted unconsciously reenacting his twin roles with a number of girlfriends. He has operated on the premise that if he becomes the version of the man that his girlfriend wants him to be, all will be fine. He must live up to her every expectation for him to feel he is a suitable partner.

Giving up himself is the strategy that he cultivated while growing up with his brother. As Duke constantly tried to head off conflict or find ways to gain his twin’s approval, his belief in himself became dependent upon his success as a twin. As a result, his self-efficacy had little room to blossom. He felt depressed, devalued, and routinely crushed by his twin’s criticism. Attempting to live up to others’ expectations while dismissing your own is a dangerous path, especially when constant comparison and competition determine your direction.

The psychological compromises that are made to ensure the survival of the twin connection can be costly in terms of individual development. While singletons have their own difficulties, Duke mused that a singleton’s road to romantic love is not impeded by twinship-related roadblocks. Nontwin adolescents and young adults undoubtedly encounter difficulties when they begin to differentiate from their parents. However, having to negotiate the same process with your best friend and soul mate is far from simple. The task is further complicated by the wish to maintain a loving twin bond at the same time—a tricky, delicate dance.

This type of heartache and hardship can be minimized if parents help their twins differentiate from a young age. While not all problems can be avoided, of course, some early intervention may minimize the expectable friction that develops as twins try to go their separate ways in life.

Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi, Pixabay