Why is it that some twins cannot show empathy for their twin but have no difficulty feeling it toward others? I have several twin patients who are puzzled and resentful about this inequity. It is an important issue, and I believe it can be understood best within the twin construct of envy and jealousy.

One of my patients, “Larson,” is a thirty-year-old identical twin who described how he has demonstrated concern and protective feelings for his brother throughout their lives. Larson stood up for his brother, “Luke,” whenever Luke was being bullied, reprimanded, or physically punished. Larson never hesitated to come to Luke’s rescue if a situation was getting out of hand. In addition, whenever Luke needed help in social or business settings, Larson jumped in to help him.

Larson seemed to assume that Luke would behave similarly if Larson found himself in a situation that required Luke’s encouragement or protection. So when Larson approached Luke to tell him that he had decided to live by himself in his own apartment, he thought Luke would be supportive and empathic, though sad and disappointed as well. Larson expected that Luke would have ambivalent feelings about the change; however, he did not anticipate the hostility and lack of empathy that ensued. Larson had believed that all his years of taking care of Luke would manifest in Luke wanting the best for Larson despite his feeling upset and abandoned.

Larson was blindsided by Luke’s reactions. He felt unappreciated, unloved, and misunderstood. Why was Luke not happy for him? Could Luke not appreciate the amount of emotional turmoil that Larson experienced while working through his decision to live alone? Larson had deliberately calculated the emotional risks of his decision and tried eloquently and persuasively to explain to Luke why moving out was important to him. He hoped Luke would understand and be happy for him. Larson assumed his empathic leanings toward Luke would be mirrored in one way or another.

What upset Larson even further was knowing how empathic Luke could be with other family members and friends. Why didn’t he extend this same grace to his twin brother? Larson could not have known or predicted the depth and breadth of Luke’s antagonism and anger. Larson had intellectualized much of the emotional pushback but did not expect the behavioral backlash.

Larson and I have worked to understand these circumstances. While he still feels incredibly disappointed and upset by Luke’s indifference to and dismissal of his feelings, he has come to appreciate that a deep-rooted jealousy, which exists in some twinships, can make it difficult, if not impossible, to create space for ambivalence. Responses become black-or-white, either-or scenarios. When twins make assumptions about their “sameness,” they can often ignore a disturbing disconnect that may lead to devasting surprises and consequences for their connection.

Photo by Ron Lach, Pexels