While parents of twins know that same-age siblings fight continually, they may not realize that frequently the dyadic conflict morphs into bullying, sometimes outside of parental awareness. These circumstances are more likely to occur when the family system cannot manage conflict, appreciate differences, or enforce appropriate boundaries consistently. The twins themselves are left in charge of settling matters between themselves. To keep some semblance of peace between the two of them, one twin may have to “take one for the team” and go along with what his twin demands.

Feeling coerced to be compliant repeatedly, a young twin felt powerless and unseen. His pleas for help and understanding went unheard and unsubstantiated. Having no outlet to vent his frustration, he acted out, and his family designated him “Angry Allan.”

Over the ensuing years, Allan stayed on the periphery of the family fold, infrequently showing up at family gatherings because of his fears of a confrontation with his twin brother. While he was upset and sad about having chosen this path, Allan felt it was the only viable option to ensure his physical safely and sanity.

Fast forward to the present. Allan is in his midthirties and has a family. He longs to have his child enjoy the relationships of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. After a few unsatisfactory attempts to be around his brother and his family, Allan is back to believing that he must negate his wishes and longings because he sees no hope of a future relationship with his twin.

The family tries periodically to organize gatherings where the brothers do not have to be together. However, Allan becomes upset that he is again forced to make compromises that feel punitive and unfair. His brother continues to bully him as he always has in a gaslighting, subtle fashion that no one apparently notices or calls him out on. “Angry Allan” gets blamed for the eruption and says his brother plays dumb and denies any wrongdoing. Allan believes that his parents’ credo of parental neutrality contributed to this conundrum. He says that his parents refuse to see or find out who is at fault. They repeatedly told the boys to work things out between themselves.

Underlying Allan’s triggered rage and disbelief is a profound loneliness that he can recognize and talk about after he expresses his hurt and sadness. It remains to be seen what Allan will do or not do to attempt to remediate these circumstances. Relinquishing a defensive posture would expose him once again to the terror and control exacted upon him growing up. His lifelong role and identity as the angry twin certainly make it challenging to shift the family focus. The family’s rigid refusal to acknowledge individual differences exacerbates and fuels the brothers’ estrangement.

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