For the last 30 years, my twin sister has spent our birthday with her best friend. They ended up coincidentally becoming roommates their freshman year in college and have remained inseparable ever since.

I am certain that I must have felt excluded at the beginning of their friendship. However, my sister and I always make plans to celebrate our birthday together, even if it’s not on the exact day. I think, in some fashion, both of us feel liberated. Since we have enjoyed plenty of shared birthdays over the years, we appreciate the flexibility and spontaneity to plan our own celebrations.

An identical twin woman making plans to celebrate a milestone birthday told me how annoyed and conflicted she feels about making her own individual plans. She related that she cannot decide how to spend her birthday without considering her sister’s feelings. While she prefers to celebrate without her, she believes it is her responsibility to include her twin in whatever she decides to do.

As we were talking about this, she had a realization that her twin never reaches out to her to find out what’s happening. She said that there is no reciprocity, which her close friends consistently demonstrate. She recognized that she does not have to include her twin in her plans. She told me that she has been so blinded by the “twin loyalty oath,” she has never before entertained the option of simply deciding for herself.

She has worked diligently in therapy to accept that having negative feelings about her twin is not a sinful act. She talks now about how she’ll always love her twin but perhaps not like her sometimes. These ambivalent feelings infiltrate most intimate relationships. At present she feels comfortable giving herself permission to make birthday plans that suit her rather than accommodating her sister, who often has difficulty feeling celebratory or exuberant.

Some twins look forward to celebrating milestones together, while others do not. There is room for choice, and options are available if one feels individuated sufficiently to exercise them.

Photo by Maryam Sicard, Unsplash+