- “The Same but Different is an important addition to the literature on multiple births and the psychological problems and challenges some twins can face . . . The book offers a wealth of clinical examples that help explain just how complicated and difficult the twin experience can be . . . I would recommend this book for twins who are suffering in ways the author describes. I would also recommend it to parents who are pregnant with or have young twins. Raising twins is very different from being a twin and it is important for parents to understand the impact they can have, even subtly, on their multiples. Additionally professionals who work with twins with separation challenges will be well served by reading this book . . . The book is fascinating, moving, thought provoking . . . Dr. Friedman has shared her wealth of experience, which is a real contribution to the multiple birth literature.” –Lynda P. Haddon, Birth Educator, Creator of Jumelle The Best Baby Tracking App
- The Same But Different presents a stunning, in-depth look at the lives of adult twins as they face the twin challenges of closeness and independence, love and resentment in their evolving relations with each other. Readers are privy to the inner thoughts and personal reflections of twins whose diverse experiences bring keen insight into what it is like to be a twin. Parents, therapists, twins, and nontwins will gain new understanding of this endlessly fascinating human relationship.”–Nancy L. Segal, PhD, Professor of Psychology, CSU Fullerton, and author of Born Together–Reared Apart and Someone Else’s Twin
- This book will be liberating to twins who desire to understand themselves and their relationship as well as enlightening to family, friends, and others in relationships with twins. A thoughtful, well-written, inside view of the world of twins from a psychologist who is herself a twin — what better vantage from which to shed light on the ‘mystique’ of twins? Dr. Friedman accomplishes this with a deft hand as a writer and a style that is absolutely accessible to the general public.”–Ricardo Ainslie, PhD, Professor, Educational Psychology, University of Texas at Austin, and author of The Psychology of Twinship
- The Same but Different is a real eyeopener, offering a new lens with which to view individuals who are multiples. It is a must-read not only for adult multiples but also for parents of multiple-birth children, regardless of their ages. Call it preventative medicine. Joan Friedman sheds light not only on the relationship of multiples but shares information that is helpful for understanding siblings of all kinds.”–Betsy Brown Braun, MA, child development and behavior specialist and author of Just Tell Me What to Say and You’re Not the Boss of Me
- Dr. Joan Friedman’s book The Same but Different gives important insights into the challenging process of how to separate and individuate from one’s twin. Through adult twin interviews, she informs and guides the reader through this process, enabling twins to celebrate their individual uniqueness while taking pleasure in their twin relationship.”–Eileen M. Pearlman, PhD, Psychotherapist; Director, TwInsight; and coauthor of Raising Twins: What Parents Want to Know (and What Twins Want to Tell Them)
- Dr. Joan Friedman’s first book opened my eyes to understanding my twins as unique individuals. Her most recent book, The Same but Different, provides great insight into the emotional relationship twins share as they grow older. This book clearly outlines ways in which twins may struggle as they strive for individuality while trying to maintain their bond. Because of her unique perspective as an identical twin, a mother of five (including twins), and a therapist specializing in twin-related issues, Dr. Friedman allows parents of twins to understand and support their children while giving teen and adult twins deep insight into their own behavior patterns. For those who have twins in their lives, or are twins themselves, this book is a must-read!”–Gina Osher, “The Twin Coach”
- Not only is The Same but Different a must-read for adult twins, it is an invaluable resource for the parents of younger twins who want to start their same-age children on the road to a healthy relationship in the future. In this astutely observant book, Joan A. Friedman has debunked the myth of the ‘twin mystique’ through careful examination of the emotions and concerns of real-life twins. By doing so, she has provided a platform from which twins can discover themselves anew as both individuals and part of a special sibling pair.”–Lauren Apfel, PhD, blogger Omnimom, and a mother of twins
- Joan Friedman is one of those rare twins experts who tells the whole truth about the experience of being born alongside another person, growing up constantly lumped and compared. The Same but Different explores the powerful complexities of trying to build separate friendships, careers, and romances when one is paired — genetically and societally — with another person. Required reading for adult twins and the people closest to them.”–Abigail Pogrebin, author of One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned about Everybody’s Struggle to Be Singular
- In The Same but Different, Dr. Friedman provides long-overdue, authentic descriptions of twin relationships. She explores how twinship impacts individuals who are twins and the ways that twins learn to relate to other people in their lives. This book asks twins to consider their personhood both within and without their twinship and to embark on a journey that will foster the development of healthy and satisfying relationships with cotwins, friends, and significant others. Dr. Friedman has given a voice to twins who are eager to communicate the realities of twinship and who seek to achieve a balance of autonomy and connection in their lives. The Same but Different will prove to be a valuable tool for twins and their loved ones.”–Caroline Tancredy, PhD, Professor of Psychology, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
- Twins are burdened by myths and stereotypes almost from the big bang of conception. As Dr. Friedman aptly calls it, the twin mystique reverberates in their lives well beyond the early years. In her new book full of interviews and therapeutic interventions, Dr. Friedman shows the continuing effect of the mystique into adulthood. By then it is not merely imposed by society and the family, but the couple has internalized it. Dr. Friedman fully acknowledges the special bond uniting most twins. Twins, however, need to extricate themselves from imposed and self-inflicted fixed roles in order to live full and satisfactory lives while continuing to enjoy a bond no longer chained by all the knots of the past. I would recommend this book to adult twins and to all those involved with their lives.”–Alessandra Piontelli, MD, PhD, former Senior Lecturer, Tavistock Clinic, London; Unit for Twin Pregnancies, University of Milano; and the author of Twins: From Fetus to Child and Twins in the World
- As an only child myself and now the mother of twin boys, I greatly appreciate Joan’s candid lens into the unique dynamics of the twin relationship. I value the perspective and strategies on raising twins as individuals to develop a self beyond their twin. Our boys recently headed off to kindergarten in separate classes for the first time–the first major step in our commitment as parents to foster more healthy separation. And I look forward to helping them authentically nurture their closeness as siblings (while resolving conflict, of course!) every step of the way.”–Amanda Marijanovic, Associate Director and Personal Stylist and mother of twins
- This book is a must read for parents of twins. Joan Friedman highlights some of the complicated challenges facing adult twins and offers guidance for promoting healthy, respectful relationships. Since most parents of twins are not twins themselves, this type of insight is invaluable!”–Eve Currin, mother of college-age twins
- The special bond called twinship is unique, with its perilous conflicts but deeply rewarding closeness, incomparable to any other relationship. Dr. Joan Friedman guided me through a very difficult time in my own relationship with my twin sister, and her book’s insight — particularly into the need for individuality apart from twinship — has been long needed. I hope all twins find her advice as meaningful as I have.”–Deirdre Goldfarb, identical twin
- Finally, an honest discussion about the realities of being a twin. We’re a secretive group to begin with, and this book sheds hugely important light on the unique complications that are part of all twins’ lives, whether they know it or not. This is essential reading for twins, spouses of twins, parents and families of twins, and anyone who wants to know what being a twin is reallylike.”–Neil Lowenthal, identical twin
- I know that as my school-age twins approach adolescence and adulthood I will return many times to the helpful insights and strategies Dr. Friedman offers in The Same but Different. This is a book all parents of twins should read — and share with their children when the time is right.”–Jane Roper, author of Double Time: How I Survived — and Mostly Thrived — through the First Three Years of Mothering Twins
- Dr. Friedman’s book The Same But Different beautifully articulates the struggles and joys that adult twins face in learning to grow up. Interweaving stories and theory, Dr. Friedman uses her personal experience as a twin and twin therapist to shed light on the unique journey a twin takes from childhood into the more intricate levels of navigating relationships, families, and careers.”–Eliot Estrin, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist intern and identical twin
- The Same but Different is for any twin who has ever wondered, ‘Why can’t others understand me?’ or ‘Why can’t my friendships and romantic relationships be as close as my relationship with my twin?’ The book also offers invaluable help and support on issues ranging from how to cope with the endless comparisons to codependency and how to establish healthy relationships outside of one’s twinship. This kind of revelation and understanding about the psychology of twinships is sorely needed and long overdue. The book provides much-needed guidance and support for young adult and adult twins and their families everywhere.”–Patricia East, PhD, Developmental Psychologist, Department of Pediatrics, Division of Child Development and Community Health,
University of California, San Diego School of Medicine
- This is the book I’ve been searching for through most of my adult life. I now feel far less alone and more ‘understood’ in dealing with my lifelong twin-related struggles. Dr. Friedman has provided a road map that previously didn’t exist for the confusing, frustrating, and exhilarating experience of being a twin. I only wish that I’d been able to read it back when I was eighteen!”–Mark Lowenthal, identical twin
- Joan Friedman’s latest book combines her own personal and professional wisdom and experiences with the voices of adult twins telling their own stories. This very accessible and thought- provoking book fills a void in the literature on adult twins and their relationships and will be a wonderful resource for anyone who is or loves a twin.”–Penelope J. Facher, LCSW, PhD, private practice, Los Angeles
- I really like how the author mentions the problems some twins have and also offers solutions on how to deal with twinship and to discover our own identity. I’m sure readers will find it very helpful. I also smiled a lot while reading the book because I could relate so much to the stories.
I was talking to my twin about this book and we were discussing some of the problems we had. I don’t think we used to be able to face the fact that we struggled being twins at some point in our lives. I feel better knowing some of the jealousy and guilt I had toward my twin sister is normal.”
–Yun-Jung Lin, accountant and twenty-two year old identical twin
- The Same but Different clarifies how we all project our own conscious and unconscious symbiotic wishes onto twins and how they identify with what we put on them. I recommend the book to twins, their relatives and no less to psychotherapists.
“The book adds to our understanding of the individuation process and presents a variation of the individuation process in twins. The book is built on many useful vignettes used by Friedman to show what happens when the typical twin individuation process has been disrupted or derailed. Friedman also makes movingly clear that the price emotionally neglected twins have to pay for what is projected onto them can be very high.”
–Regina van Gelderen, training psychoanalyst and supervisor, Amsterdam
- As the grandmother of adult twins, I can only say that this book should be mandatory reading for any emotionally healthy twins and their parents. Most parents have no idea what is coming down the road in multiple births, but Dr. Friedman, as a twin herself and the mother of twins, sure does. This book should be given as a ‘birth present’ so there would be fewer screwed-up adults!”–Iris Kite, grandmother of college-age twins
- Finally, a book that validates a twin’s right to be a unique individual.”–Christina Baglivi Tinglof, blogger and author of Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples
- A well-written, well-organized, and extremely insightful book about the psychological development of twins and the kinds of issues they face throughout adulthood. Even though I’m a psychiatrist myself, I admit to having had many experiences similar to those described by the twins in the book. In my experience, the psychiatric profession in general has not understood the particular psychological, family, school, and social issues peculiar to twins, and the family and social structures often designed to maintain those dynamics have simply been ignored. The book was not only personally very reassuring but as a professional it was enlightening as well.”–Carolyn S. Spiro, MD, coauthor of Divided Minds: Twin Sisters and Their Journey through Schizophrenia
- Asserting your independence as a young adult can be especially challenging for twins, who often grow up dependent on each other for their emotional needs. Psychotherapist Joan A. Friedman, a twin and mother of twins, shows adult twins in her book The Same but Different how to ‘out their feelings’ about their twinship (which are frequently not expressed honestly), explore them in a healthy manner, and deal with their twin issues so they can pursue more independent and fulfilling lives. This valuable book fills a void in the exploration of twin relationships and is a must-read for all adult twins.”–Susan M. Heim, author, blogger, and editor specializing in parenting and multiples, author of It’s Twins! and Twice the Love, and coauthor of Boosting Your Baby’s Brain Power
- This book is a gift for adult twins–full of compassion, depth, and practical guidance for thriving as a human being. Joan Friedman has distilled her own twin experience and professional insight into a handbook for emotionally healthy living. It’s solid advice for all of us, twin or not.”–Marcia Capparela, Assistant Head of School, Westland School
- This book offers a deep and thoughtful exploration of the experience of being a twin and the route toward individual development through the minefield of opposing desires regarding sameness and difference. It recognizes that each twinship is as unique as the individual twins in it. A wealth of case material illustrates twin dynamics: competition, difference, separateness, and enmeshment.”–Vivienne Lewin, psychoanalytic psychotherapist, London, author of The Twin in the Transference, and contributor to Siblings in Development
- While reading this book, I could see all of us described in one way or another — my girls share so many of the traits described in the twin stories. I told them about the book and it opened up a discussion. They seemed relieved that what they are feeling is normal and nothing is wrong with them–many other twins are going through the same transition. With the increasing number of multiples in this country, we need many more professionals like Dr. Friedman all over the United States to help all twins who are feeling guilt and resentment about their feelings and are not living up to their own individual potential.
Parents of newborn twins must read this book. Parents must make their teenage twins read it, and friends should buy it for their adult twin friends. It’s quite an eye opener. This book will make us better parents, better siblings, better friends, and for twins, better selves.”
–Alex Cohen, mother of eighteen-year-old-identical twins
The Same But Different is an important addition to the literature on multiple births and the psychological problems and challenges some twins can face . . . I would recommend this book for twins who are suffering in ways the author describes. I would also recommend it to parents who are pregnant with or have young twins.Raising twins is very different from being a twin and it is important for parents to understand the impact they can have, even subtly, on their multiples. Additionally, professionals who work with twins with separation challenges will be well served by reading this book . . . The book offers a wealth of clinical examples that help explain just how complicated and difficult the twin experience can be . . . The book is fascinating, moving, thought provoking and at times disturbing. Dr. Friedman has shared her wealth of experience, which is a real contribution to the multiple birth literature.”–Lynda P. Haddon, Multiple Birth Educator, Creator of Jumelle The Best Baby Tracking App
- The Same but Different is a masterfully written tribute to the complexity of the twin relationship. Reading this book, rich in case studies and insights, is like sitting in on a brilliant psychotherapy session. Joan Friedman takes on the burdensome myth that twins have harmonious relationships and in so doing frees twins to work through their true ambivalence about this key relationship. Her work is also essential reading for all of us mental health professionals who tend to either marginalize or mythologize the twin relationship.”–Frederick E. Miller, MD, PhD, Chair, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Board of Directors Endowed Chair of Academic Medicine, NorthShore University HealthSystem, and Clinical Associate Professor, University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine
- Beautifully insightful, revelatory, and thought provoking. The Same but Different will be invaluable to anybody looking to understand the long-term development of the complex psychological relationship between twins. Offering her personal experience and research, Joan Friedman helps discover the unacknowledged feelings of twins and the conflict between the wish to be the same and the wish to be different.”–Isabelle C. Nussli, Chairman, NUSSLI Group, Switzerland
- A terrific book for those who find themselves thrust into twinship — one of the closest relationships imaginable but one you don’t get to choose. In The Same but Different, you’ll learn how to let go of resentment and competition, work through issues of separation and codependence, and build an honest and authentic adult relationship with your twin. Dr. Friedman, speaking with empathy, humor, and firsthand knowledge, explores a terrain that has had little light shone on it.”–Madeline Levine, PhD, author of Teach Your Children Well and The Price of Privilege
- Many self-help books — attempt to carry the reader through a therapeutic process, but this book actually does! You will feel, think, and reflect differently at the end of this book than you did at the start.
“The surveys and guidelines throughout the book build in such a way that the reader feels at the bottom of the mountain at the start and on the other side by the end. In this sense, this book is the best therapeutic gift you can give to yourself and to your twin.”
–Cindy Puccio, Marriage and Family Therapist
- As the mother of fraternal twins, I feel that this book is a must-read for all parents of twins. Reading stories from a twins’ perspective is so valuable for parents of twins. It gives us an insider’s view into the lives of twins. I always worry about my children having their own identity and not necessarily always referring to them as twins, and I am glad to see a book that calms some of my fears and helps me see the bigger picture.”–Amanda Nethero, Information Specialist, Nicholson School of Communication, University of Central Florida, and mother of twins
- For those who can’t access a twin specialist, Dr. Friedman provides a self-help manual that makes sense of the struggling twin’s experience. A must read for family and friends of twins.”–Audrey Sandbank, family psychotherapist and twin specialist, London, and editor of Twin and Triplet Psychology
- My understanding of myself and my twin sister as individuals within our twinship has grown exponentially because of Dr. Friedman’s candid assessment of adult twin relationships, and now our friendship is stronger because I am stronger. Where was this book twenty years ago?”–Angeline Olschewski, screenwriter and identical twin
- I found this book extremely insightful and comforting. I honestly think every twin and parent and spouse of a twin would benefit from reading it. Dr. Friedman provides sage advice and counseling for twins working through the unique separation and individuation issues that only twins experience. All twins will learn about themselves and better understand their own relationships and their relationship expectations. I liked that descriptions of twins’ experiences were woven with clinical insight and advice.
I can with the greatest confidence recommend to anyone interested in twins that they read Joan Friedman’s latest contribution, The Same but Different. When I read Dr. Friedman’s first book, Emotionally Healthy Twins, I was persuaded that what I learned there about the optimal growth and development of twins could be applied to all infants and children. Similarly, the understanding Dr. Friedman offers of the subjective experience of being an adult twin enhances our capacity to move into the minds of any person, young or old, twin or singleton, who is struggling with the vicissitudes of trying to separate, become intimate, overcome feelings of envy or jealousy, or deal with and master any complex emotion involved in being human. Thus, written for and about adult twins, this is a book for everyone.”
–Dr. Estelle Shane, PhD, Supervisor and Training Analyst, Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis, Los Angeles, and coauthor of Intimate Attachments: Toward a New Self Psychology
- Usually, parents of twins feel so proud and awed at the incredible privilege of raising two children at the same time that we oftentimes fall in the trap of considering both of them as a whole instead of as two different children. Emotionally Healthy Twins, Joan Friedman’s first book let us reflect on the importance of educating our children as independent individuals from the beginning to let them achieve full emotional development. Now, in this new work based on the experience of adult twins, Joan shows the consequences of the mistakes that parents can so easily make when we let ourselves believe in the ‘twin mystique.’
A wonderful book that is essential reading for parents of twins and for multiple adults. It helps us to better understand and deal with those mixed feelings of responsibility, love, and resentment that are so common among multiples.
Parents of identical twins do not have an easy mission. The Same but Different helps us better understand the feelings our children will have as adults age and the importance of working with them on their own identities from early childhood. We must help them accept that although physically identical, they are independent individuals with their own unique personalities.”
–Lucila Menendez Bueno, PhD, President, AMAPAMU (Madrid multiples parents association) and mother of eight-year-old identical twins and a baby singleton
- For adult twins who question their twin relationship or identification, this book can provide a means for understanding and accepting many of the intricacies and complexities of being an adult twin. Friedman elegantly describes what she calls ‘the twin mystique’ and hopes to use her words to help twins better understand themselves as both twins and individuals. This book resonates as a support group for adult twins wanting to explore and justify their individuality as well as their shared sibling relationships.”–Lisabeth DiLalla, PhD, Professor, Family & Community Medicine, School of Medicine, Department of Psychology, Southern Illinois University Carbondale
- Dr. Friedman’s latest book on twins brings to life the powerful dynamics of the twin relationship. The Same but Different is engaging, accessible, and rich with clinical examples and insights. Anyone wanting to gain a deeper understanding of adult twins and their relationships should read this book.”–Michael Rothman, PhD, private practice psychologist specializing in twins and Assistant Clinical Professor, Mount Sinai School of Medicine
- An excellent book for twins age eighteen years and older that will help them understand the complexity of their relationship — especially those who struggle with finding a balance between intimacy and a space of their own. It’s interesting for nontwins too because this struggle also affects relationships between parents and their children, spouses, friends, and so on. A great pleasure to read.”—-Coks Feenstra, child psychologist and author of El Gran Libro de los Gemelos (The big book of twins)
- The Same but Different will provide every reader essential information about twin relationships during adulthood. Joan Friedman ably and insightfully presents authentic case study experiences to establish a credible understanding about twinship dynamics.”–Eve-Marie Arce, EdD, author of Twins and Supertwins
- Things are always up and down with my sister and me, so this book couldn’t have come at a better time. This book shows that Dr. Friedman understands well enough how hard a twin relationship can be!”–Natali, identical twin in her thirties
- I have to admit that when my brother moved out of the country, where he had no control over me, I progressively got stronger, more secure in my personality and had a lot of renewed energy… I had always felt that I had to get my brother’s approval and validation. However, with Dr. Friedman’s help I have been able to take charge of my own destiny… For the first time in my life, I feel that we are two different people leading two different lives and making our own decisions.”–Identical twin in her forties
- Great read! I especially liked the chapter about comparing twins. It hit home with me since both of my kids are college athletes — one because he wants to be, the other because she thought she had to be.”–Heidi, mother of college-age fraternal twins
- Joan Friedman tells compelling stories about twins that illustrate ways in which they can become more actualized in their own separate identities while remaining close friends. Although the book focuses on twins, I recommend it to all who are interested in close relationships.”–Beatrice Beebe, PhD, Clinical Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry, College of Physicians and Surgeons, Columbia University
- Joan Friedman does it again! Her new book The Same but Different bursts open the doors on the emotional struggles and triumphs of twinship.
This book is a must-read for any twin, as well as any parent of twins. Personally, Joan’s pages allow me a glimpse into my children’s relationships. As a parent, I know their bond is unlike anything I could understand, and thanks to Joan’s book, I have a new appreciation of my twins’ feelings.
To say that her insights are eye-opening would be an understatement. The honesty, joy, and pain that Joan has captured from the twins she interviewed were heart-wrenching and pure. My favorite chapter was ‘Conflicting Loyalties.’ I can imagine giving this book to my grown twins when the time comes.
I am so glad that Joan has dedicated her life to helping twins (and parents of twins) understand the significant and unique bond that they share. Her advice and options are unique considering that she is both a twin and a parent of twins. On behalf of all twin parents, thank you, Joan. You allow us the chance to make sure our children’s relationship grows healthfully and to help them if ever we need to intervene.”
–Natalie Diaz, founder of Twiniversity and author of What to Do When You’re Having Two: The Twins Survival Guide from Pregnancy through the First Year
- Dr Friedman’s latest book on the incredible experience of being a multiple and all the challenges that come with it really opened my eyes to this complex relationship. She validates the feelings that the twin relationship does come with a burden. She also makes it very clear that it does not need to be a negative relationship but rather one that is a challenge for multiples to understand as well as friends and spouses.
As a mother of identical teenage girls, I gained a fresh new perspective on how to ease the feeling that they need to be responsible for each other. It also filled me with a lot of anticipation as I hope they will go on separate paths in the near future.
An easy, incredible read filled with a lot of hands-on practical advice. This book should be required reading for all multiples as well as parents and spouses of multiples.”
–Sue Darrison, mother of identical twins and multiples teacher, Babies First Class
- As always, Dr. Friedman provides a unique and thought-provoking perspective that holds tremendous value. A must-read!”–Elizabeth Lyons, author of Ready or Not Here We Come! The Real Experts’ Guide to the First Year with Twins
- Joan Friedman has written an excellent book. It is aimed specifically at adult twins but would also be enlightening for others with a variety of connections with twins. Emphasizing the cultural mystique that creates unrealistic expectations of how twins should relate, she examines adult twins’ problems and then offers succinct and wise advice and guidelines as to how twins could achieve a sense of individuality.”– Dr. Elizabeth Stewart, author of Exploring Twins: Towards a Social Analysis of Twinship, mother of twins, and sociologist
- People who aren’t twins—singletons—have a lot of fun imagining how wonderful it must be to be a twin, to have someone “exactly like me.” But even the closest identical twins are far from exactly alike, and they have to cope with not only the special challenges of twinship but also the social and cultural assumptions that pressure them to define themselves as part of a unit, rather than as individuals. Joan Friedman’s The Same but Differentcontains much wisdom about how twins can come to feel comfortable separating from each other and growing in individual ways without sacrificing a close relationship. It’s a worthwhile read for twins, for parents of twins, and—maybe most important—for everyone else.”–David Greenberg, professor, Rutgers University, and an identical twin